I have never maintained a committed relationship.
I am immature. I tend to go after boys that are immature. When it comes down to it, I have never taken my relationships with guys seriously. I’ve got some mommy and daddy issues that run deep and from the start I didn’t know what it looked like when two people were in love. In 24 years I’ve never actually seen my parents kiss. I’ve seen them fight and I’ve seen misery while facing their reality as a result of choices they chose to make. I wonder if there was ever a time that there was love, passion, or chemistry between them. But for me, I can’t see it. My perception is two individuals that settled and have no interest in change or growth.
For me, I knew that I never wanted to end up like them. Early on I vowed that I would rather be alone than end up like my parents. Ironically, being alone is one of my biggest fears. It scares the shit out of me.
But not more than ending up in a miserable marriage.
This attitude led me to rarely take much seriously when it came to boys. I didn’t see the point in wasting time being with someone if there wasn’t undeniable excitement.
I guess you could say I set my standards rather high. I like boys. I like them all and I hate them all. I don’t really have a type. If unavailable and not looking for commitment is a type, I guess that would be mine. It works for me most of the time because I am not actively looking for a relationship. I am extremely independent and I prioritize the relationships I have with friends and family. For now, those relationships make my life full.
In between all of the different boys I fill my time with, eventually there is always one that screws me up and pushes me to question everything. Once I manage to sleep with you, I’m usually instantly over it and do not want to hear from you again. If I sleep with you more than three times, I like you. That means I really like you. When I fall for someone, I’ve found that I have trouble communicating my feelings. I always know what I want to say in my head but when I try and say the words aloud it pours out in the form of irrational behavior spewed out by my own insecurities. I allow myself to be used. I choose to ignore red flags. There are guys I’ve fallen for, and then there are guys I’ve fallen for hard. One thing they all had in common was miscommunication, from the both of us. I have trouble saying what I want because sometimes what I want freaks me out. Sometimes I even realize I want things when it’s too late. My head is usually a mess but I’m starting to work through that.
It is very hard for me to let go. I rarely get emotionally attached so for those inevitable moments when I do, I get find myself to get too attached. I put all my eggs in one basket desperately hoping that this person will push past my walls. I put far too much pressure on the other person and don’t take enough ownership for myself and my behavior. I don’t take many guys seriously but I expect the ones I do like to take me seriously. I’m a hypocrite. I have a part in it. I’ve been fucked over and treated unfairly but I have also acted unfairly and treated others unkindly. I’m starting to become more aware of this and I’m working on it. I truly mean that. The times I have fallen in love I’ve always held on thereafter. Stuck in that past, I look for that exact feeling with someone else. This isn’t fair to whoever happened to come next. I set myself and the next guy up for disappointment.
Regardless of all that, I believe there is a lesson in everything. Past relationships didn’t work out. “Moving on” is something I need to work on. I can’t hold on to the douchebags I fell for. I shouldn’t use that as an excuse to treat others like a douchebag.
At the end of the day, we can all be a little bit of an asshole.
The few times I’ve fallen in love, neither guy was like the other. Looking back it’s easy to grasp that. If I want something fulfilling and real, I have to minimally put in some work. I have to take things somewhat seriously. I am starting to realize that more and more. (baby steps)
I can no longer hold onto the disappointment of my parent’s relationship. They aren’t bad people and their issues are their issues. Perhaps their behavior may have trickled down to me and had some negative effects but it is up to me to conquer them now rather than play the victim and hold on.
I need more. I want more.