I had a boyfriend for almost three years. After several months of thinking and feeling, I broke up with him because of so many reasons and at the same time, none at all. I felt like I was drowning in a relationship that I don’t even recognize anymore. I felt like I was losing myself to this commitment. To the warmth of the idea that without having to experience heartbreaks, pain and loss, I found someone I can be with for the rest of my life. And yes, Ladies and Gents, I was thoroughly convinced that we’d be together forever.
You see, I met him on the first day of high school. He was this big, toned scary guy who has the deepest voice that I have ever heard. And I swear, when I first saw him, I knew he was going to change my life.
I’ve always liked him since that day, but others told me not to go with it. They said he was a playboy, the type of guy you don’t want to go out with because he leaves them then finds a new one not even before the last girl’s face dries up from the tears. But you can never go against intuition and of course, hormones.
A few years down the road, you finally thought you had everything figured out. I mean, you have your college applications sorted out, your high school diploma is on the way and everything else was A – OKAY. Then you just wake up one morning and that’s not what you really want. That’s not what makes you happy, not anymore.
You start second guessing everything. Is this the way I really want my coffee to be? Do I really have to dress this way? Are you still the one?
You start to get lost and realize that this relationship was not working anymore. It hasn’t been working for the past months.
Then everything comes crashing down on you. That’s why it didn’t feel right when he held my hand that Sunday. That’s why the silences became awkward, why the conversations died down and why the “I love you’s” felt more like an obligation than free will.
I can’t tell you when it all started, all I know is when it ends.
I know it was over when I could go for hours and not a single thought of you pops in my head. When I didn’t care whether you text me or not. When all we could ever say to each other is a half meant ‘I miss you’ that was really for the way we used to be. When I no longer see you as the guy I can spend my life with.
It would have been easier if you weren’t the best. It would have been better if you were this guy who treated me like trash and dumps me when something new and shiny comes along but picks me up when you’re done. And as much as I want to say you suck, I can’t. Because you don’t.
You’re this awesome guy who would cross oceans and Climb Mountains for me. You’re the kind of guy who would go out of his way just to make sure that I’m okay. You’re the guy I could have married, if only I met you ten years later. You’re the right guy at the wrong time, which makes you the wrong one.