Many years ago, I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and the line “we accept the love we think we deserve” has been stuck in my head ever since. Such an accurate and powerful statement. Especially for me. I didn’t think I deserved any love.
As time went on, I came to understand that if I don’t learn to love myself more, I will continue to end up in the same one-sided relationships. The ones where I do everything I can to make the other person feel happy and loved, and ignore the fact that I am unhappy, hurt, and feel completely alone. Because if I don’t love myself, why would I expect or allow someone else to? I was finally starting to understand this and made the first step towards learning how to love myself, which was removing the people from my life who think I am too hard to love.
But then you popped into my life. You remind me of one of those summer storms in the Midwest, the type that absolutely terrify me. Those types of storms that pop up out of nowhere on a really hot and humid July day – the type of day that you almost can’t handle because it’s so miserable. They are the type of storms everyone is hoping for, but they pop up in such a scattered manner that you only rarely experience them.
The storms are absolutely breathtaking; you can watch them build up and roll in across the cornfields, a beautiful display of lightning followed by the large rumbles of thunder, the short warning that the storm is arriving and everything is going to change.
The storms can be pretty intense and severe, bringing hail and heavy winds, sometimes tornadoes. They make you think quickly about what is important in your life, what will you save if a funnel cloud drops down. But then, after the storm has rolled through, the temperature drops to a comfortable level, a cool breeze carries the sent of rain, and occasionally you’ll see a rainbow crossing the sky.
You are my summer storm.
My life was existing like a hot July day, where I just wanted to hide inside because it was too miserable to deal with. But you rolled in, shook up my world a little bit, caused me to reevaluate myself and what is important to me, and now I’m sitting on the porch, enjoying the cool temperatures and the rainbows. I saw you on the horizon, slowly building up and getting ready to roll on through. I was at a crossroads – I really wanted you to come in my direction, but I was also scared because storms are unpredictable and can be very powerful. I didn’t know what kind of impact you would have, what kind of damage you could do. But I am so glad you entered my life.
Truthfully, you still scare me. You are a love that came without much warning; you had my heart before I had a chance to say no. You swept me off my feet and for the first time in a really long time, I am happy. For the first time in my life, I have found someone who I want to give my whole heart to. I’ve spent my entire life building up walls to protect myself and have only shown people little pieces of myself; I want to show you everything.
I want you to know exactly who I am and what has shaped me to become me.
I know I am a strong person, but I have such a fear of letting anyone know that there are some moments where I am weak, where I am not okay; I want you to know about those times. I want to let you in. It scares me because I’m giving you the opportunity to really hurt me, but I’m trusting you not to.
I’m not sure anyone has cared about me as much as you already seem to. My happiness is one of your top priorities and you are a protector of me and my heart. You make me feel safe and comfortable and happy. I hope I make you feel the same.
I’ll never be able to see myself through your eyes or understand exactly what you see in me and why you think I’m so special, but you’ve made such an effort to get me to understand even a little bit. And it has made such a big difference; I’ve started to figure out how to love myself. And I began to understand that maybe you see me the same way I see you…I think you deserve the whole world; all the love and happiness possible. And I think maybe, just maybe, this is a love we both deserve.