Men claim they love it when we take control, when we show them we are as hot for them as they are hot for us. And that’s true – to a point. “Many men I know always claim to wish women would be more aggressive in bed, but having worked in the porn biz for as long as I have, I have seen firsthand what happens to men whose wish is suddenly fulfilled,” says Homegrown Video owner Farrell Timlake, the king of amateur porn. “It is not a pretty sight!”
Timlake recalls one occasion when four huge muscle-bound Czechs were in town making the rounds as studs sporting erections that made even the crew nervous. “They were set to perform with Mila, all 103 pounds of her, a skinny blond with a voracious sexual appetite who actually requested to work with the four guys – at the same time! The action commenced and things got hairy quickly. Mila was a she-leopard clawing, spitting, demanding satisfaction like a demon hellcat with its tail on fire. One of the young bucks suddenly stopped the action. I asked what the problem was. He looked at me with trouble and concern, his brow wrinkled and face frowned. “In my country, the woman is not like this. The man is strong.”
Not sure if you’re too aggressive in bed? Here are 10 signs you might be:
1. He’s having a hard time keeping an erection.
“Men claim to want a woman that is insatiable, but do they really know that means facing the irrevocable truth that they only have so many times before their penises beg for mercy and whimper, once proud erections turned to wet noodles that flop about al dente style!” says Timlake.
2. Your toys intimidate him.
“The vibrator you bring into the mix when we have sex is bigger than my penis. Seriously, you just killed my tango-ego!” says Tim McSpadden, CEO of Love a la Carte, LLC.
3. You never stop shouting orders.
You’re screaming, lusty commands to “(expletive) your sweet (expletive) faster and harder” are fun for a while, but seriously girl, reel it in a little bit. “I don’t want to wake the neighbors, scare the dogs or bruise my pelvic bone,” says McSpadden.
4. You always initiate sex.
“Men want to believe that they are the aggressor who make you surrender to them in bed by driving you wild with desire,” says psychologist Dr. Carole Lieberman. So, men begin to feel that you’re way too aggressive in bed if you initiate sex more often than they do, tell them what you want them to do to you, as if you’re conducting an orchestra or barking orders to soldiers, or critique their performance and tell them what you want them to do better next time.
5. He (or you) are literally chafing.
Maybe you like to bring it to the kinky side of things, and that’s fine if you are both into it! If you have been so aggressive, he’s gone into flight mode, abandon ship, says Timlake.
6. You go straight for his dick.
“I hear more men complain that women aren’t aggressive enough in bed,” says Astroglide’s Resident Sexologist, Dr. Jess. “But I also hear men complain about their partners going straight for their package as soon as their lips meet,” says Dr. Jess. “Men like foreplay too (research shows men and women desire a similar duration) and the build up and anticipation help to intensify their arousal and eventual orgasm, so take your time and tease a little.”
7. You never let him take the lead.
Yes, sometimes it’s good to be the girl on top! He likes it when you show your seductress side. But dating expert Laurel House shares that there has to be a balance. Always being the one to take charge can be an emasculating turnoff.
8. You never let him take breaks between orgasms.
You’re always on top – and never break eye contact. “You always stay on top even after I come. I don’t care that you’re still wet, I’m not raring to keep going like you are. I need at least 30 minutes. And maybe a sandwich,” says McSpadden.
9. You always worry about your own orgasm first.
“While you’re giving me a blow job, you reach an orgasm on your own before I do – from YOUR blow-job – to me. AWESOME!” says McSpadden.
10. You refuse to let go of control.
Being too aggressive can be a discreet problem, but a huge problem nonetheless. Stop being so rigid. “Stop being afraid that you sound stupid, you’re too loud, your butt looks fat, your boobs look flat, or your stomach flags over in one particular position, and instead just let loose and let go!” says House. Both you and he will enjoy sex so much more if you stop being in such control of your every move and moan.