Tonight isn’t a good night. Tonight isn’t even an okay night. Tonight is the kind of night I always dread, but also, always expect. Because as much as I wish it wouldn’t—tonight always seems to come, and I’m scared it always will.
Tonight is the kind of night I fear during my happiest moments because even during my happiest moments I still know that nights like this one will come. Tonight is the kind of night that cuts my laughter short and halts the smile from spreading across my face. It’s the kind of night that drops my heart into my stomach and tightens up my chest.
Tonight is the night I loathe. Tonight is the kind of night I feel alone. It’s the kind of night I talk myself into believing I’m a horrible person. It’s the kind of night where I make myself feel like crap and trick myself into believing anything I feel is everything I deserve.
Tonight is the night I feel hopeless. Tonight is the kind of night I feel the weight of every wrong thing I’ve ever done and every less than kind word I’ve ever spoken. Tonight is the night I fear that nothing better is yet to come. Tonight is the kind of night when I think about who I really am and how it isn’t even close to who I want to be.
Tonight is the night I’ll crave a simple answer to what’s wrong and scream at myself for never asking anyone else. It’s the kind of night I’ll feel guilty for being sad and furious at myself for feeling bad. Tonight is the night I hate but still in my head, I’ll find a reason for why it isn’t a mistake.
I’ll tell myself it’s healthy and that it’s somehow well deserved. I’ll convince myself there’s no other way. I’ll run from the light and lock myself in darkness. I’ll make myself believe nothing will ever be okay, but even after everything, I’ll still find the strength to remind myself I’m wrong.
Because tonight I’ll still keep going and tomorrow I’ll wake up. I’ll get through this night I’ve desperately dreaded because maybe the next one will be one of the nights I’ve desperately hoped would come.