An Open Letter To The One Who Mentally Abused Me

healing after an abusive relationship — Camila Cordeiro

Dear Abuser,

You’ll be angry I called you that, but it’s what you are, isn’t it? Maybe you don’t think so, but I know so. I wouldn’t have before, but that’s only because you had grabbed my brain with the venom in your words and strangled it with your threats.

I don’t know what I was thinking while I was with you. I wish I could say I didn’t regret you, because at least I learned something, but even that would be a lie.

You destroyed me. My brain was clouded with confusion, devastation, and constant apologies I was convinced I owed to you. I thought I was crazy. I thought I was wrong. And I felt sorry for you. Excuse me while I empty the bile rising in my throat at the memories.

The haze that was once present has passed and I can see clearly now, and I’m disgusted with the trust and control I gave to you. The problem is that I don’t think you are. I don’t think you have even begun to grasp the unhealthy disaster that you call love.

So, I’m here to enlighten you.

It wasn’t okay when you called me crazy and made me feel completely and utterly useless.

It wasn’t okay when you demanded I get your permission before I go out with my friends.

It wasn’t okay when you called me a waste of space that messed everything up.

It wasn’t okay when you constantly accused me of being a slut when you were the one who was cheating on me.

It wasn’t okay when you told me you were the only person who loved me.

And it sure as hell was not okay when you convinced me nobody else would ever want me and I should count myself lucky that you’ve put up with me this long.

I wasn’t lucky. I was in my own personal hell that was run by you. And what is the most disturbing part of all of it is I let it happen. I didn’t listen to my friends when they told me who they thought you were. I didn’t listen to my mom when she told me who she know you were.

I was warned. I’m no innocent here, so I won’t claim to be. But one thing I do know, is I’m better than you, and I’m even better without you. You were wrong when you told me nobody else loved me, and you were wrong when you told me I couldn’t live without you. You were wrong for how you treated me and you were so very wrong that you thought you could get away with it.

But you were right about one thing.