I have asked myself a couple of hundred times some pitiful questions like:
“Was I not enough?”
“When will I be enough?”
“How will I be enough?”
It caused me to slowly self-destruct. It was not healthy. I did things outside of my comfort zone and even outside of my limitations.
At first, it seemed like a good thing, to change and exert efforts for the ones you loved. It felt like a sign of growth as an individual, to try new things, to forget about your rules and beliefs.
But as you slowly continue to give and give and get nothing in return you realize how exhausting it is.
In all honesty, at first you do not expect anything in return because you are solely doing it for the one you love — but as you go on a bit of reciprocation would be much appreciated.
I changed and changed for the one that I loved until I came to a point where I lost myself in the process of trying to make myself worthy of his love.
I realized how much I disrespected myself for settling for something I did not deserve.
I blamed myself for giving too much, for not asking for anything in return, for giving all the love I should have gave to myself.
I blamed myself for a lot of things. I forgot to love my own imperfections and shortcomings. I questioned my own abilities and appearance.
I got dreary because my insecurities ate me up. I kept thinking about maybes:
“Maybe if I was prettier or skinnier I would be the only person he found himself looking for in a crowded room full of people.”
“Maybe if I was more feminine like the other girls he would finally see me as someone to hold hands with and not someone to fist bump.”
“Maybe if I was smarter or knew more about politics, religion, and the problems of the world I would be someone he would want to talk to endlessly.”
“Maybe if I was a completely different person I would be enough.”
Those maybes kept me up until 3 in the morning. But how cruel it is to blame yourself for not being enough?
I blamed him too. I blamed him for wanting more than what I am and what I can give. I blamed him for his inability to love me.
I blamed him for treating me so kindly that the decision of hating him would never be justified. I blamed him for being my “go to” person because I knew he was there but would soon fade like the warmth of autumn because winter would soon come.
I blamed him for being so close and yet still so far away. I blamed him for being him — for being that one person I knew would always have my heart.
Maybe if he just loved me, I would have never felt the need to to become someone else.
Lastly I blamed the universe, for being unfair, for not allowing our stars to be aligned.
I blamed the universe for not making the circumstances easier for me, for the possibility of us.
Why did it have to hurt this way? Why did it have to leave a cut this deep and this painful?
At my worst and darkest moments, I even blamed the universe for allowing our paths to cross. For showing me a star that I could never reach. And for giving me so much hope and strength to cling to the uncertainty.
At the end of the day, there is no one to blame, not the universe, not him, and especially not myself.
It is not his fault that the universe was not aligned for the both of us to be together. It is not his fault for not wanting to risk whatever we had for something he is not 100% sure of.
Loving someone can not be forced.
Him not loving you is not the end of the world. It is only the beginning.
You might not be enough in his eyes but to others who are out there you are enough, more that enough.
It was the universe’s plan to let you meet him to teach you a lesson, to make you a better person, and of course to make you love greater.