1. You say things like, “I worry about those kids” when referring to your single friends. I’m reminded of Marshall and Lily from How I Met Your Mother who said either that exact phrase or something like it when referring to Barney and Robin’s relationship and/or Ted’s dating life. You’re no one’s parents; it’s not your job to worry, and let’s be real, you’re not actually worried, you’re just feeling superior and want to feel like you’ve grown from Mario to Super Mario and are looking at all the poor baby Marios scrambling for stars and flowers.
2. You tell people about your vacation, in great length – even if you haven’t taken the vacation yet. I know, I know, vacations are fun and exciting – but usually only for the people taking the vacation. For everyone else, it kind of sounds like you’re bragging or describing a really boring dream. And we don’t need to know why you’re going where you’re going or what you’re going to do there. We trust that you know what you’re doing.
3. You’re a “we”. As in, “we like the new Thai place down the block” “we think everyone should vaccinate their kids” “we visited his mother yesterday” “we don’t like that” “we like that” – you “we” everything. You stopped being two people and are now one solid un-conjoined mass of the same thoughts and opinions. And you’re not hesitant to share all of those thoughts and opinions. You were two people with two very interesting sets of ideals and goals and dreams and now you’re the same person and it’s a bit weird.
4. You try to set up all of your friends. And it’s not out of the goodness of your heart, or because you were asked; it’s because you hate the idea of anyone being single. You want to do couple-y things, so you’re trying to build your own couple, like you’re playing one big Sims game. Ah, gwanda blitz. Dag dag.
5. You talk about how happy you are that you don’t have to date anymore. We get it – you found each other and that’s great. But don’t diss dating. Some people aren’t as lucky. Some people are still looking. And don’t say, “Have you tired online dating?” Chances are, the person you’re suggesting it to owns a computer and has thought about the option and is maybe currently trying it. Everyone is doing their best. Maybe some don’t even want to find their someone right now. Maybe they’re happy being single. Don’t isolate your single friends.
6. You don’t stop telling your “how we met” story. Unless your story is truly incredible (it has a plot like The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo or is full of amazing coincidences), you probably only need to tell it once, and only when someone asks you. Otherwise, it’s just classic Schmosby.