Sometimes, you just don’t want to go out, so I put together this list of excuses. Maybe some of them will happen to be true, which is great for you, you awful, shameful liar.
1. “I have a job interview in the morning.”
Saying you have work in the morning isn’t good enough, because most people do, and they go out anyway. But not everyone has a job interview. People generally want other people to do well on job interviews, so they’re not going to drag you out for 3 whiskey sodas while watching you cry through “I Just Wasn’t Made For These Times” at Tuesday karaoke night. A morning job interview almost guarantees you a quiet night.
2. “I have explosive diarrhea.”
“I’m sick” just isn’t descriptive enough, nor does it express the severity of your illness. No one wants to catch your explosive diarrhea, in any way or form. If you tell people you have diarrhea, with any adjective in front of it, they’re going to leave you the hell alone.
3. “Someone is going to have sex with me tonight, and I’d like to be there.”
I mean, what more needs to be said? But let’s say it, because hey, we’re all young and happy. This one is all about line delivery. You can sound as charming as Chandler Bing, or as lecherous as a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit guest star. This one is best to use via text because really the only response someone can give is “LOL” and then you just smile to yourself and let it go and you’re free and easy, like Billy Joel in a convertible in a treeless forest.
4. “My car is dead.”
When this one is true, and you live in Los Angeles, you’re golden. No one is going to hassle you, offer to pick you up, suggest you take public transportation (because there likely isn’t any), or tell you to take Uber, because as your luck will have it, they’ll be on the west side and you’ll be on the east side and Uber will be on the $80 side and you can’t do that because you’re saving up for a new transmission for your 2006 Mini Cooper. Never buy a Mini Cooper. They are terrible mean little cars who hate you. Fun fact: if you open up the hood of any Mini Cooper, you will discover that the engine is made of Legos and the voice box from Mall Madness.