My Workout Routine, As Told By ‘American Psycho’ GIFs

Patrick Bateman of American Psycho is the ultimate workout champion. He prides himself on his physique. I get it, man. I am on a fitness kick and I am determined. Sometimes I do The 30 Day Shred, a workout video by Jillian Michaels. It’s circuit training. The routine us made up of 3 levels; you do each level for 10 days. Within those levels are 3 circuits, (warm-up and cool-down not included). These circuits combine strength moves, cardio, and abs. You do 3 of those and then you’re done. The levels get progressively harder.

I put on yoga pants or sweats, but not my favorite pair of sweats because I’m at a point in my life where I just consider those pants, and I put those on with a sporty crop top spandex thing and I get to work. Here’s what I’m thinking and feeling, before, after, and during my workout, presented to you in Patrick Bateman/American Psycho GIF form.

The moment I decide I want to work out.

patrick bateman gif

Pumping myself up for the workout.

patrick bateman raincoat

During the warm-up.

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During and finishing circuit 1 and starting circuit 2.

patrick bateman music raincoat gif

Finishing circuit 2.

patrick bateman american psycho gif

Starting circuit 3, realizing that I have this entire stupid workout video memorized and am sick of having to listen to Jillian Michaels say the same thing over and over.

patrick bateman psycho gif

During circuit 3.

patrick bateman pain psycho gif

The last 30 seconds of the workout.

patrick bateman american psycho axe raincoat gif

Cool-down period.

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When the workout is finished and I go look at myself in the mirror.

patrick bateman gif

This is my process. This is my life. There is no comfort, there is only fear, and intensity that can only be matched by the darkest parts inside my myself. I am but a body, a concept, a tool, and I do not understand anything beyond simple actions. People do not understand that I don’t do anything for them, I do it for myself, I do it only for myself, other people do not matter, I care about no one, and most of the time, I am moments away from snapping someone’s neck and taking out their eyes with my brand new battery-powered Sharper Image letter opener. Yesterday on The Patty Winter’s Show, a woman ate her own face. I can feel everything inside me and this means that I cannot feeling anything at all, ever, and I have stopped trying. Do you like Lana Del Rey? I thought that her first album, Born To Die, was a visceral experience, her voice tinged with a deep longing and regret for a chance to do it all over again. I highly recommend it. I have to return some videotapes. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – American Psycho

Let’s watch Lost tonight. You can be my black John Locke tonight. My book is available here.

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