How To Take Something That Isn’t A Big Deal And Make It The Biggest Deal In The World
By Almie Rose
Sometimes the best way to do something is to know exactly how not to do it. Here’s how to blow things out of proportion, or as I call it, Faye Dunaway the shit out of everything.
Ignore your instincts.
You know that classic gut feeling you get, where you have a fleeting, clear idea of what to do or what not to do? Yeah, ignore the shit out of that. Instead, ask your friends what you should do. Ask all of your friends for their opinions on your situation, and do (or don’t) whatever they tell you to. You will let other people decide your future. You will let them play The Sims with your life. You will get in the pool and you will watch them remove the pool ladders.
Tell logic to go fuck itself.
It makes absolute sense that he didn’t text you because he’s busy or that he’s waiting for you to text him but fuck that shit. He’s not texting you because he doesn’t want to, because you are awful, and nothing good will ever happen to you. Your friends will confirm this. “Never speak to him again,” they’ll say. You will listen to them.
Punch Occam’s Razor in the dick.
You know this theory; it’s the idea that among all hypotheses, the simplest one is the likeliest. Or whatever, that’s a close enough definition. But screw that. You can’t overreact over something if there’s a simple explanation. That’s not effective. You need to come up with the most convoluted reasoning possible. Pretend that you’re House on House. Find a Cameron, and yell at him. Tell him he knows nothing. Write words on a white board and yell at people for not suggesting better words. Instead of going from Point A to Point B, go from Point A to The Letter F to the Number 6 to an Exclamation Point.
Obsess.
Obsess over it until it is your entire world. Until it is all you can think about. This is a good time to text, call, or GChat attack all of your friends. Run through the scenario with them over and over, and when they tell you what you don’t want to hear, try varying your story until they tell you the version that makes you the most miserable and confirms your entire world is ending. Keep them updated even when you have no updates. Stress certain parts of the story with italics and capital letters. If you’re talking to them in person, run your hand through your hair as many times as you can; which should be many. Wave your hands in frustrated circles as you clench your jaw and make a, “Argh what am I going to do?” face and watch your friend lose all willpower to live if it means they have to have this conversation again.
Imagine the worst.
Take the worst possible outcome and imagine it until it feels inevitable. Make that your reality. Make your worst outcome like an episode from the later seasons of Lost, where one unfathomable thing happens and then another, and then something comes out of absolutely fucking nowhere and then someone does something that makes absolutely no sense at all and then Charlie drowns. This is your new reality. This is what you’ve done.
Enjoy the monster you created.