Here’s a handy step-by-step guide on how to get a musician boyfriend. A real musician, not some dude with a guitar who plays Dave Matthews at parties when the crowd thins out and everyone’s high and someone says, “Hey Ryan, play that song we were obsessed with in freshman year.”
1. Be a model. If you’re a model, you can pretty much stop at step 1. Thumbs up for you, stunner! Look at every successful musician/rockstar of today or days of yore. Bowie has Iman. Jack White has Karen Elson. Billy Joel had Christie Brinkley. Clapton (and Harrison) had Pattie Boyd. Yes, Lennon had Ono. Which brings me to #3. But first, #2. Or read #3 first. Whatever you like. Choose your own adventure.
2. If you can’t be a model, be thin OR stunningly beautiful. Preferably both. It’s important to make sure that your entire worth is based on how long someone can stare at you before they realize you aren’t famous. When you walk into Harvard & Stone or whatever bar people will like 5 minutes from now, you need at least 3 people in your general vicinity to dart their eyes over you and whisper to their friends, “I think she was in that Nokia commercial” or “I’ve definitely seen her in Girls in that episode where they did stuff.”
3. Be famous.
4. If you can’t be a model or thin or stunningly beautiful or famous, be interesting. Be some sort of artist, or writer, or even blogger. Have your own weird Etsy store. Be a photographer. Not commercial photography. Something whimsical that doesn’t pay anything, like taking photos of trees that look like people. Then print out these photos of trees that look like people and caption them with lyrics from Depeche Mode songs. Then hang them by clotheslines at your art show. Have an art show. If you can’t have an art show, pretend that you’re going to have one. Cupcakes. You can bake cupcakes. That’s okay. You’re okay.
5. Have a good, or at least interesting, sense of style. When you go see shows, you want to make sure you’re photographed, and if you’re pleasing to look at and are wearing something “different” then you’ll be photographed, and you’ll take a deep breath and everything will be right. Wear that fake vintage Nirvana tee with your dad’s 1980s motorcycle jacket with jeans that you cut into shorts, in frantic ragged slashes, because you were running late, you’re always running late, and pair them with those Jeffery Campbell platform boots that every fashion blogger wears. Don’t wear a lot of makeup.
6. It isn’t until step 6 that you actually make your way to meeting the musician. Go to shows. Start with small shows. Start with shows at The Echo. Before you go to the show check out the lineup on the venue’s website to see which bands are playing, and how attractive these bands are. Find the hot one in the band. There’s always a hot one. Go to the show. Don’t talk to the hot one before the show. Don’t try to eye-fuck the hot one during the show. They’re not going to see you. Think about how great you are. If you feel confident, you’re going to be fine. This applies to anything in life, from dating to job interviews to Easter egg hunts.
7. Approach the musician after the show, when they’re not swamped or trying to load their van. Do not ever talk to a musician while they’re trying to load their van.
8. Be bold. Don’t be too drunk. Drink Pepsi Cola. Be a proud American. Quote your favorite childhood films. Ask, “Did Dunston ever check out?” Think about what would happen if we still used salt as currency. Try and imagine a new color. Maybe pretend to be British. It’s your life.
9. Always have cigarettes on hand. Even if you don’t smoke. Especially if you don’t smoke, because then you don’t mind giving them away.
10. If you meet a musician at a party, take no interest in him or his work. Even if he is famous, pretend that can’t quite place his face. But don’t be rude or obvious about it. Just be breezy. Pretend that you don’t care. And you shouldn’t care. Unless it’s Jarvis Cocker. If it’s Jarvis Cocker, you care. You care the fuck out of Jarvis Cocker.