10. All of a sudden everyone is taking about their “401k.”
I don’t even know what this is and apparently I have one. Yeah, come at me, I don’t even care — I have business cards, a big stack of them. It seems like everywhere I go, people are saying, “Did you cash in your 401k?” And it seems like everyone is vaguely afraid of touching it, like it’s a sleeping dragon. I just smile and say, “No, I haven’t” because Suze Orman said you shouldn’t unless you really need to and I trust her because I bet she has lots of business cards.
9. You have friends who have houses or really nice apartments.
By which I mean you no longer see unframed Marilyn Monroe posters barely clinging to the wall with painter’s tape or mattresses on the floor. You see real furniture. Real artwork. Real glassware! Nary a red plastic cup in sight. Wine goes in actual wine glasses. It’s like you’re visiting someone’s parents. Spooky!
8. You find your grandparents adorable and your parents hilarious.
You’ll start to see posts on friends’ social media feeds praising their family. Pictures of their grandparents with captions like, “Here they are at 20! Aren’t they so cute?? And they’re still ~~together~~.” They’ll tweet things like, “LOL LOOK WHAT MY MOM DID.” And it’s great! You’re reaching an age where you relate more to your parents and no longer feel the need to rebel against them. They do their thing, you do yours, and all is well.
7. You’re freaking tired.
“You know I work all day, to get you money, to buy you things” sang the Beatles. And how you have a hard day’s night! You work like a dog and it is time for some hardcore log sleeping. After a long day, you just want to go home and shove the closest edible thing into your mouth and watch whatever is on Netflix instant. And on weekends, you try to psych yourself up to go out at night but then you realize you are just so damn tired and Netflix instant sounds awesome. And there’s all that driving and like, having to wear pants.
6. Your health is suddenly a big deal.
In the past when I got sick I’d think, “YEAH, NO SCHOOL TODAY!!! MOM’S GONNA MAKE ME MAC AND CHEESE, YEAAAAHHHH!” Now I think, “Oh, this is just great, now I’m going to get really behind in work.” Also, when you’re older you want to go to the doctor. You wanna get right the eff to the doctor and have them test you for everything and give you vitamin shots and all sorts of wonderful medicines. And new ailments pop up. One day I woke up and my knees ached for no reason. I went to the doctor and got an X-ray and was told, “Your kneecaps are slightly off-center. It’s common for a lot of women.” “…What??? So what do I do?” “I’ll write you a prescription for muscle relaxers and give you a number for physical therapy.” “…to do what? Like, squats?” “Well, squats and…other…strength exercises.” And that’s it, those are my options. And no one is freaked out over this. Everyone’s like, “Yeah, that’s gonna happen.”
5. Christmas is just kind of like, whatever.
If you celebrate Christmas, you’ll remember that when you were a kid, there was nothing better than that time of year. You couldn’t sleep the night before and you’d wake up at dawn and for that entire day you were invincible. But now holidays don’t have the exact same feeling. Now they mean, “I get one day off of work” and “I have no money to buy things for anyone.” Also, Thanksgiving really stepped it up and you realize it might be the best holiday of all. A day about eating? Thanks, bro.
4. You don’t care if you are totally uncool.
You have no problem telling people that Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” is one of the best pop songs ever written. You proudly wear your 2001 Britney tour tee. You watch movies that are for a demographic 10 years younger than yours. You don’t give a monkey what people think about your tastes. You have no idea what the hot new bands are and you just don’t care. You don’t have the energy to follow trends or to pretend to be cool. And this. Is. Awesome. “And we don’t care about the young folks!” is a joke we would make if we knew this song.
3. Younger people have no idea who the Spice Girls are.
No, seriously, this happened to me. I dressed as Ginger Spice for Halloween and posted a picture on my Facebook and someone commented, “I don’t get it.” I explained, you know, Spice Girls! And he said, “Oh. Whooosh. Right over my head. I dunno.” And no lies no fries, I got annoyed. And then sad. And then hungry.
2. You root for the adults in kids movies.
I love Home Alone (actually I love Home Alone 2: Lost in New York more) but dude, Kevin was ANNOYING. How did his parents not ship his ass to military school? Who the hell does he think he is, anyway? You kind of see Uncle Frank’s point when he says, “Look what you did, you little jerk.”
1. You have no idea what you’re doing.
But you’re hoping it’s all gonna work out.