Recently I got out of a year long relationship. (And you can see exactly with your own eyes how Iām coping with that in this video below.)
I think for my next relationship, and thereĀ willĀ be a next relationship, just like thereĀ willĀ be blood, I should date someone who is at least 50.
White hair, cigar, bow tie AND brandy snifter? It’s like I’ve died and gone to where this guy lives!Ā Someone who isnāt really sure how to log into anything online. Someone who likes to spend money because they have lots of it. Someone who has grandkids. You know, that type of person. Here are my top ten old people Iād like to date.
10. The Monopoly Dude.
10x better than Scrooge McDuck.
Heās a cartoon but man is he LOADED. With money! Well⦠Monopoly money. I guess he doesnāt have real money. OR real houses or hotels. He lives in plastic buildings and pays for things with brightly colored slips of paper. So basically heās Canadian. Hey everyone, this guyās a big phony!
9. Jay Gatsby.
And I donāt mean the Leonardo DiCaprio version, thatās just nonsense. I mean the Fitzgerald ink-on-paper version of the man. He counts because by this time he is now old. But heās also dead. Sorry, spoiler alert, in case youāre one of the 15 people who didnāt read The Great Gatsby in the 10th grade. Also, Daisy turns out to be a robot. It was Fitzgeraldās commentary on the 1980s or whatever. And sharks, there were lots of sharks. I think. I also think maybe I should have paid more attention in high school.
8. Roger Daltrey.

He still dresses like a dapper, dapper man. No tracksuits for this royal bro.
Listen. Iām going to say something, and this may shock and/or alarm you, so be prepared: The Who are better than The Rolling Stones. But thatās a whole other article. This article is about how hot some old dudes are. And this man is hot. Iāve seen him live twice. The first time was at a Who concert, which is kind of like saying āI went to a Beatles concertā when youāre really just seeing Ringo and Paul goof around on stage, but still. The second time I saw him was in a production of āMy Fair Ladyā at the Hollywood bowl and Iām not even kidding about this. He played Eliza Doolittleās dad. John Lithgow played Henry Higgins. This was not a fever dream.
7. Harrison Ford.

It’s like Han Solo turned into a real person and we all breathed a sigh of relief. Harrison Fordās appearances on Conan OāBrienās show’s are legendary. He has so much swagger heās practically drunk. Or maybe heās actually drunk. It would explain a lot. My favorite moment was when Conan asked him something like what he would do if his plane went down (because Ford is an awesome pilot) and his deadpan response was, āShit and die.ā Thatās just a beautifully crafted answer. So much truth.
6. David Bowie.

This horrible terrifying diabolical monstrosity is apparently a wax figure of David Bowie. Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess.
I love David Bowie. I love David Bowie.Ā I love David Bowie.Ā I love him so much I canāt look directly at this photo, and itāsĀ a crappy wax figure.Ā So why isnāt he higher up on this list? Because I never want to meet him, because if I did, I would probably āShit and dieā in true Harrison Ford fashion. There are some people for whom you have so much admiration and fandom that if you were to meet them, your world would fall apart and youād cry on the sidewalk until you left gravel imprints in your cheeks. Iām just happy knowing that somewhere, he exists. Thatās enough for me.
5. David Lynch.

Our date would be long, confusing, strange, set to Roy Orbison music, and I wouldn’t know how it ended.
This is one I feel really weird about admitting because I saw him in person not long ago at an event my former boss took me to and she was kind of freaked out by how much I love David Lynch so if she ever sees this sheās going to hang her head and think, āJesus what have I doneā but I was on my bestĀ behaviorĀ and didnāt even talk to him and didnāt even stare at him. I stayed far away. I just love him. I really do. Iāve loved him since I was 15. This worries my mom. She thinks itās unhealthy. I think sheāsĀ pronouncingĀ āawesomeā wrong.
4. Kyle MacLachlan.

I have never been able to spell his man’s name right on the first try. The older he gets, the more he looks like Gregory Peck, so itās like a two-fer.
3. John Slattery.

I know straight men who want to have sex with this man.
Heās Americaās Michael Caine. And not just because of the glasses. But also because of the glasses. When I think of the phrase āSilver Foxā I think of this guy. I donāt think of that phrase a lot though. Usually Iām thinking, āWhenās lunch?ā Heās justĀ so coolĀ you guys. Heās modern but he looks vintage!
2. Mitt Romney.
I’m sorry, mom. I’m sorry, dad. I’m sorry, world.
I canāt explain this one, I really canāt. Itās like wanting to date Darth Vader. The only thing heās ever said that Iāve agreed with is, āIām Mitt Romney.ā But I have to be honest. I would go to the Opera and fundraising dinners with him so hard. At least having a crush on him is better than murdering someone, right?
1. Paul McCartney.

I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me. Paul Mc. Paul McCartney.
I donāt care what he looks like now. I donāt care that heās made some terrible decisions, like marrying Heather Mills. I donāt care about any of that, because heās Paul Flippin McCartney, the most talented singer/songwriter/bass player/musician/deity ever. And heās kind and gentle and sweet and will punch you in the face if you slaughter an animal. Heās funny too. Look at him stealing this giant award:
Oh McCartney, youāre not a giant! That award is too big for you! Put that down! Love him love him, donāt care, haters to the left, sideways, up, down, and even to the right, I donāt care. Take theĀ TwilightĀ guy, take Ryan I-Look-Like-A-Farmer Gosling, Andrew Who-The-Hell-Are-You-Why-Are-You-Here-And-Stop-Looking-Mopey-Also-Stop-Trying-To-Be-Luke-Perry-How-Dare-You-I-Hate-You Garfield. I want Paul. Now and forever.