Recently I got out of a year long relationship. (And you can see exactly with your own eyes how I’m coping with that in this video below.)
I think for my next relationship, and there will be a next relationship, just like there will be blood, I should date someone who is at least 50.
White hair, cigar, bow tie AND brandy snifter? It’s like I’ve died and gone to where this guy lives! Someone who isn’t really sure how to log into anything online. Someone who likes to spend money because they have lots of it. Someone who has grandkids. You know, that type of person. Here are my top ten old people I’d like to date.
10. The Monopoly Dude.
10x better than Scrooge McDuck.
He’s a cartoon but man is he LOADED. With money! Well… Monopoly money. I guess he doesn’t have real money. OR real houses or hotels. He lives in plastic buildings and pays for things with brightly colored slips of paper. So basically he’s Canadian. Hey everyone, this guy’s a big phony!
9. Jay Gatsby.
And I don’t mean the Leonardo DiCaprio version, that’s just nonsense. I mean the Fitzgerald ink-on-paper version of the man. He counts because by this time he is now old. But he’s also dead. Sorry, spoiler alert, in case you’re one of the 15 people who didn’t read The Great Gatsby in the 10th grade. Also, Daisy turns out to be a robot. It was Fitzgerald’s commentary on the 1980s or whatever. And sharks, there were lots of sharks. I think. I also think maybe I should have paid more attention in high school.
8. Roger Daltrey.
He still dresses like a dapper, dapper man. No tracksuits for this royal bro.
Listen. I’m going to say something, and this may shock and/or alarm you, so be prepared: The Who are better than The Rolling Stones. But that’s a whole other article. This article is about how hot some old dudes are. And this man is hot. I’ve seen him live twice. The first time was at a Who concert, which is kind of like saying “I went to a Beatles concert” when you’re really just seeing Ringo and Paul goof around on stage, but still. The second time I saw him was in a production of “My Fair Lady” at the Hollywood bowl and I’m not even kidding about this. He played Eliza Doolittle’s dad. John Lithgow played Henry Higgins. This was not a fever dream.
7. Harrison Ford.
It’s like Han Solo turned into a real person and we all breathed a sigh of relief. Harrison Ford’s appearances on Conan O’Brien’s show’s are legendary. He has so much swagger he’s practically drunk. Or maybe he’s actually drunk. It would explain a lot. My favorite moment was when Conan asked him something like what he would do if his plane went down (because Ford is an awesome pilot) and his deadpan response was, “Shit and die.” That’s just a beautifully crafted answer. So much truth.
6. David Bowie.
This horrible terrifying diabolical monstrosity is apparently a wax figure of David Bowie. Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess.
I love David Bowie. I love David Bowie. I love David Bowie. I love him so much I can’t look directly at this photo, and it’s a crappy wax figure. So why isn’t he higher up on this list? Because I never want to meet him, because if I did, I would probably “Shit and die” in true Harrison Ford fashion. There are some people for whom you have so much admiration and fandom that if you were to meet them, your world would fall apart and you’d cry on the sidewalk until you left gravel imprints in your cheeks. I’m just happy knowing that somewhere, he exists. That’s enough for me.
5. David Lynch.
Our date would be long, confusing, strange, set to Roy Orbison music, and I wouldn’t know how it ended.
This is one I feel really weird about admitting because I saw him in person not long ago at an event my former boss took me to and she was kind of freaked out by how much I love David Lynch so if she ever sees this she’s going to hang her head and think, “Jesus what have I done” but I was on my best behavior and didn’t even talk to him and didn’t even stare at him. I stayed far away. I just love him. I really do. I’ve loved him since I was 15. This worries my mom. She thinks it’s unhealthy. I think she’s pronouncing ”awesome” wrong.
4. Kyle MacLachlan.
I have never been able to spell his man’s name right on the first try. The older he gets, the more he looks like Gregory Peck, so it’s like a two-fer.
3. John Slattery.
I know straight men who want to have sex with this man.
He’s America’s Michael Caine. And not just because of the glasses. But also because of the glasses. When I think of the phrase “Silver Fox” I think of this guy. I don’t think of that phrase a lot though. Usually I’m thinking, “When’s lunch?” He’s just so cool you guys. He’s modern but he looks vintage!
2. Mitt Romney.
I’m sorry, mom. I’m sorry, dad. I’m sorry, world.
I can’t explain this one, I really can’t. It’s like wanting to date Darth Vader. The only thing he’s ever said that I’ve agreed with is, “I’m Mitt Romney.” But I have to be honest. I would go to the Opera and fundraising dinners with him so hard. At least having a crush on him is better than murdering someone, right?
1. Paul McCartney.
I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me. Paul Mc. Paul McCartney.
I don’t care what he looks like now. I don’t care that he’s made some terrible decisions, like marrying Heather Mills. I don’t care about any of that, because he’s Paul Flippin McCartney, the most talented singer/songwriter/bass player/musician/deity ever. And he’s kind and gentle and sweet and will punch you in the face if you slaughter an animal. He’s funny too. Look at him stealing this giant award:
Oh McCartney, you’re not a giant! That award is too big for you! Put that down! Love him love him, don’t care, haters to the left, sideways, up, down, and even to the right, I don’t care. Take the Twilight guy, take Ryan I-Look-Like-A-Farmer Gosling, Andrew Who-The-Hell-Are-You-Why-Are-You-Here-And-Stop-Looking-Mopey-Also-Stop-Trying-To-Be-Luke-Perry-How-Dare-You-I-Hate-You Garfield. I want Paul. Now and forever.