10. Your nails.
Ugh, nails everywhere. Take your Home Depot porn somewhere else.
This is controversial considering that we have a daily nail post on HelloGiggles, and I’m not saying that I don’t like seeing photos of creative manicures, because I do, because I bite my own nails and don’t have patience to paint little Disney Princesses or Pikachus or make my nails look like Stanley Kubrick’s filmography, or whatever. I like seeing yours. But I don’t like seeing a small grainy photo of them with some cockadoodle filter over it. I can’t tell what the color actually is. Don’t you want me to see your nails after you put all that hard work into it?
9. Your baby.
Hey guys, what’s going on?
I am not a mother, though I do drink like one. Thus, I can admit that I do not feel the need to constantly show the internet what my stupid kid looks like. I like to take pictures of martinis that I make, is it like that? The difference though is that it doesn’t matter if people see what my martinis look like, because that’s really not a personal thing, and it’s not a threat to the martini. I don’t understand why you would willingly put your child all over the Internet. Doesn’t that seem unsafe? I can’t explain how though. I could be way off on this.
8. What you’re watching on TV or listening to on your computer.
Oh my God, you guys, this episode of Law & Order: SVU is f****ing disgusting.
I mean, come on, really? You’re going to take a photo of your laptop/TV screen because why? Because you need proof that you were alone and had no plans?
7. Your crappy breakfast/lunch/dinner.
David, stop, I’m not going to hold a strawberry for you to take a picture of. We all know what strawberries look like. Please, Dave. We really need to talk about Kevin.
If it’s visually appealing, great, but if not, I just feel sad for you, and almost angry, like, why are you even doing this to me? You know?
6. What you do at work.
People? Sitting at a conference table? In a meeting? This is big news.
Unless you work at Disneyland, under the sea, in space or as Paul McCartney’s left arm, I don’t care, it’s boring and again, I feel sad for you. What am I supposed to feel when I see a photo of you at your desk? I’m sorry to tell you this, but most of your jobs are boring. I don’t take photos of me sitting in front of my laptop or drinking coffee or making appointments for my boss or shooting birds at the airport, and that’s because it’s boring.
5. You with 5-8 other people, standing together, smiling, with your arms around each other.
Now this is the kind of group shot I want to see. You can tell that the one on the end is a total slut.
Oh look, it’s 8 girls in cocktail dresses standing who knows where because it’s dark and the flash is on so it’s totally overexposed and your eyes look like glowing orbs of hellfire. Please, show me more.
4. Other people’s photographs.
That’s right, I totally forgot about that time you hung out with the Kennedys.
Why the hell did you upload something like a Richard Avedon photo, put a crappy filter over it, and caption it with something stupid like, “O M G YOU GUISE SO PRETTY (emoji x 100).” You didn’t take that photo of Marilyn Monroe. I know you didn’t. You weren’t even there.
3. Your reflection in a mirror.
This one’s getting the Early Bird filter, because I always rise to the occasion.
I’m talking to you, Lady Gaga. Girl, I don’t understand: you’re Polaroid’s creative designer but your Instagram account is 70% percent pictures of you, in a mirror, or holding the camera out to yourself, in a poorly lit room? Not that I don’t love it, because I really love seeing the casual side of you, girl. But like… oh my God, come on. Can you just… just… just not do the mirror thing? No one should do the mirror thing. And if you’re Lady Gaga you can just announce, “Someone take a picture of me” and throw your phone and before it hits the ground you’ll have twenty people pouncing on it.
2. Your shadow.
I hate you.
1. Your feet.
Yup. Still there.
Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Also, why? I don’t understand. Everywhere I go on Instagram, feet. That shot, of you, clearly point the camera down, at your feet. You in oxfords. You in flats. You barefoot. You on pavement. You on grass. You on carpet. Why? Just, why? I could understand if they were awesome Marty McFly “Back to the Future 2″ shoes, but they never are.
I’ve done these, so I understand. I’m no hero. I’m just trying to heal the planet. Love you all.