Confessions Of A 20-Year-Old Recovering Alcoholic

Flickr / Joel Olives
Flickr / Joel Olives

As a 20-year-old, we are prone to going out, making mistakes, one-night stands, and making complete assholes out of ourselves. This thought was changed when I realized that this isn’t the “norm” for most 20 year-olds. But it unfortunately was the norm for me. I have been sober for about 3 months, and I really do feel like I deserve a fucking pat on the back.

What my parents and friends who still drink don’t know is that it’s really fucking hard and constantly frustrating. I think people think alcoholism isn’t real and that it is more about self-control. The longer I’m sober, the more I come to terms that I am in fact an alcoholic. I cried for 3 hours tonight because I wasn’t drinking. But those are the kind of moments that hit me really hard. “Normal” people don’t hysterically cry and drive in circles alone for hours because they made a promise to their selves that they wouldn’t drink.

I went from a life that consisted of fun, and freedom, where the worst feeling I had was on a Sunday morning waking up not knowing where I was… to a life of lonesomeness and boredom. But doesn’t this seem so sick? That I miss these things? I know it is, but when I stopped drinking, the person I used to be vanished. I mourn her. I mourn my alter ego that could be named Cybil, because at times I miss her. She was THAT GIRL. Everyone knows her; a lot of people have slept with her, and only a few like her. But in reality, I loved being that girl. She was fun, and confident, and I often think about her, wishing I could somehow go back to being her.

I said it before and ill say it again; being sober at 20 is HARD and at times miserable. I constantly find myself comparing my weekends prior to sobriety to my Friday and Saturday nights now. It went from shitty vodka and boxed wine to crappy coffee, local bars that I was lucky enough to get into to church basements, having the sloppiest sex at least twice a week to becoming basically a born again virgin, friends that I drank, laughed, and basically lived with, to feeling completely alone all the time.

The worst part is that I didn’t realize how miserable I was before sobriety as well. I covered my embarrassing and meaningless life up with boos and boys. From a DUI to multiple arrests, completely embarrassing the shit out of my family in our small town, it never seemed like it was going to end.

My last drink wasn’t glorious, or the worst night I ever had. It was actually alone, on my couch, crying, as it usually ended when I drank stolli and orange juice. It was honestly sad, and my bitterness had to come to an end.

Although there are many things I miss about my old life, there are a ton of things I’m glad about being over. My Sasha fierce attitude made me more enemies than friends. It also made many relationships extremely meaningless. I was a mean girl, who based everything on what you had, how many shots you could buy me and what you looked like. I would consistently be testing myself, whether it came to guys, how much I could drink, or how much anxiety one person could possibly give themselves.

I was always seeing how big of a piece of shit I could be, and every time I drank, it got worse. Getting sober at 20 is a commitment, and there are times that I just want to give in, but theirs go to be a reason I have made every mistake in the book before the age of 21 right? TC mark

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  • http://heyamonster.wordpress.com Heya, Monster.

    I wish I had had the wisdom and the courage at the age of 20 as you have now. Instead, I lived hard and horrible in my version of Cybil for another 15 years. More shame. More regret. That’s all you miss. …. 20 is the perfect age to get sober. *smile* Congratulations on 3 months.* You’re a rockstar, even if you don’t feel like one today. -HM.

    • http://heyamonster.wordpress.com Heya, Monster.

      p.s. I didn’t see how old this post was until I commented. How are you doing? Still sober?

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