I couldn’t fully grasp this concept until recently. And by recently I mean when I found out Heath Ledger died and I tried to watch 10 Things I Hate About You. I thought it was a fluke, that one of my favorite films from my youth would solicit such a sadness. I told myself it was only sad because he was so young himself as a serenading sparkplug, and I tried again with Brokeback Mountain, but I still could not see his face on screen without being subject to unsolicited emotions. I can never enjoy a Heath Ledger film again because of his dreadful demise. I wish I would have never known about his death. There are many other cases where ignorance is bliss, but from my experience the following are the most critical ones.
1. That You’ve Only Done It Once
When I lived in Thailand, it wasn’t long before I realized that I was among the least pursued demographic (large, sweaty, Western, and woman) and that my chances of engaging in sexual endeavors of any kind were very limited in opportunity. And then I met a man on Christmas Eve that was in town for holiday. With this attitude I ignored the rum-rimmed drool of his that had cascaded down my chin when we kissed in a Thai nightclub and guided him into my tiny dorm room home that I shared with a few geckos. At this point I was more virginal than an asexual sea cucumber. My bra straps were practically flinging themselves off of my shoulders in approval of bringing this half-deaf (er, did I forget to mention that?), belted creature home. He then admitted that he had only “done it once.” Once, as in with one person? One time? One thrust? My questions needn’t answer themselves as he divulged his loss of virginity detailed with a pizza parlor, a text message, and an nymphomaniac with the appetite for religious, Texan virgins. My only option at that point was to take a Xanax, tuck my nipples away and go to sleep. I couldn’t be the second!
2. How old you will be exactly when you finish paying off your student loans.
Hey, I have read Financially Fearless too, but there is something about knowing that I owe more than a year’s salary in loans and that I will be paying them off until I am officially middle aged that is deeply depressing. Especially when I consider the cost of missing one class in college (roughly $74) and how many times I thought sleep or sex was more important than British Literature. There is no sentiment that can be replicated when watching money leave your bank account for a nap you took in 2007.
3. Calories in a Corn Dog
I consider corn dogs to not only be a staple of my snack diet, but a restorative when my soul is feeling under the weather. I even once took a road-corn dog to a barbecue (that I brought corn dogs too). They are my savory sidekick, my partner in crime, my steadfast snack. And then I found out how many calories are in one, singular corn dog. These puppies that I had been so easily consuming between meals, are actually considered to be a meal and I just can’t look at them the same.
4. Gorgeous Ex-Significant Others
We all have them of course, unless everyone you’ve dated resembles Sloth from The Goonies more than you would like to admit. Nonetheless, you do not want to know if the nice man you’re dating has one. And that her boobs are the size of most tropical fruits and that she has really long hair. And yes, we all know comparisons are odious, but when you have a soccer mom haircut and the body of an Asian fourteen-year old boy (except with an ass thanks to your partialness to salted meats) you wish you would have never known. Ever.
5. Placenta Recipes
Unless you went to a religious school you likely watched a live birth in Sex Ed. This probably wasn’t your favorite thing you ever did before period five lunch, but there was certainly no placenta sighting. It was only when I talked to my best friend after the birth of her son and she casually mentioned delivering the placenta afterwards. What? What did she mean “deliver the placenta”? You just pushed a person out of your vaginal canal! A glass of wine and four minutes later I was Googling Placenta Delivery. Has there ever been a thing with such a beautiful purpose that was so revolting looking? Further photographic research led to the discovery that some people, and families, eat placenta post-birth. It’s not a successful Saturday until you’ve researched placenta recipes and gagged seventeen times.