Recent events have inspired me to web wander into the atrocious abyss that is OkCupid and create a profile. Recent events include but are not limited to: being the third wheel to friends and their brunch dates, realizing my sexual activity rate (0%), and watching my relatives celebrate the legalization of gay marriage in this state because they think I am a lesbian. Browsing, messaging and, essentially, applying on OkCupid is a combined concoction of a depletion of one’s soul and visionless hope. It is like applying for your dream job and not knowing if you have written it in the correct language. It is an ambitious process to formulate ones dating profile in a manner that represents yourself accurately, but still sways strangers to meet you as there is a distinct difference between unaltered truth and presentation-formulated information. This caused me to wonder, if I was unconditionally honest in my profile representation on OkCupid, what would my answers look like?
I have a habit of confessing my feelings and neurosis through written words, like emails detailing that I won’t have sex with you until you’re my boyfriend, mailing you formal invitations for sleepovers when I think it’s time, pretending Anderson Cooper is interviewing me on my love for you, and engaging in break up text messages after 1.4 dates.
What I’m doing with my life
Paying way too much for rent. Eating way too much Taco Bell. Gaining too much weight from the free snacks at my place of employment.
I’m really good at
Accidentally taking tequila shots on Tuesdays before 7pm.
The first things people usually notice about me
My familiar face. People think that they know me or have met me before, but I actually was not in their music class at Berkeley, nor was I at the World Cup when they were. I am just a white woman with non-distinct facial features and bangs.
The six things I could never do without
Tweezers (hello, unibrow)
Alcohol (not kidding)
Toe nail clippers (can you imagine?)
I spend a lot of time thinking about
If I will be alone forever and the weird, chubby, asexual aunt to all of my friend’s children, like a sea cucumber in a school of fish.
On a typical Friday night I am
In bed, intoxicated, after imbibing in three IPAs and eating Cheetos while watching Lena Dunham’s naked body flop around because she has sex and I have Cheetos. And then probably farting because I just drank three IPAs.
The most private thing I am willing to admit
I’ve taken four men’s virginities and I feel comfortable with that number changing.
I’m looking for
-guys that like quirky, perverted, and emotionally needy girls
-guys that are located in any neighborhood of San Francisco that is accessible in 20 minutes or less by public transportation
-guys who won’t make me take salsa dancing classes because they think it is romantic
You should message me if
You don’t have a pinky ring and would never consider wearing one…and you’re not a serial killer.