I hate my back, my stomach, the acne I get…hold up, stop for a second. I need to stop listing my imperfections because soon people will look and take notice of my flaws as well.
Wait, nope let’s backtrack a bit. I already know that I can’t change much of my appearance. Just as I was born with this body, I will, one day, eventually, die with it. I know that society’s beauty standards are disproportionate, and honestly, unrealistic.
So, like, why am I stressing so hardcore about this? What the hell am I searching for??
Oh yeah that’s right…I just want someone, somewhere out there in this world to just see me for who I truly am.
But of course, that thought will never run across anyone’s mind, not even mine most days. Why? Well, as mentioned before, in today’s society, beauty standards are very unrealistic. However, it is still what everyone is looking for, or wants when searching for their future husband or wife. So yeah…I don’t have the skinny body shown in all the magazines nor do my curves fall in all the right places. My back and face is sprinkled with acne scars. My stomach, or rather my entire body isn’t close to being tan enough nor flat enough to ever look attractive and sexy in a bikini. My knees look like a straight up face whenever I stand up. I have never cared for a thigh gap, however I lack one of those as well.
Ever since I went off to college, I stopped playing sports…which was my consistent work out every day. Therefore, without that every day, of course, resulted in myself gaining weight. Yes, I did lose all of the weight I gained my first year of college by my third year of college. However, there’s this thing called stress and stress eating. Umm yeah, I went through a lot of that this past year so basically, I don’t fit into the same pair of jeans as I did a year ago.
Last year, I worked at a retail store where their sizing just seemed to run a bit smaller than normal. Shoot, we even sold a brand that was literally one size only. Since, the sizing was a little off on a lot of their clothes, especially their jeans, a lot of the styles didn’t really fit me the way that I would have liked them to fit me. So, while working there and going through all this stress in my life, it was very hard to watch these beautiful, thin, girls buy and try on all these clothes that just barely fit me but didn’t make the cut. Honestly, it sucked. I loved this store and their clothes, and because I was so into fashion once we received a piece of merchandise my co-workers and I would just start thinking of cute outfits for it, and where to wear it to. In my head though, I was like damn, that would not look good on me. I know I shouldn’t have let it affect me, but I did. I was basically trying everything to lose all the weight that I had gain back, but just adding the stress from my daily life it seemed like a mission impossible.
I know a lot of you reading this are probably like…go work out. Well, guess what…I do. At least two-three times a week. No, I will not do anymore than that because honestly, I don’t like it. I hate working out. My favorite part is when it’s over. I have never enjoyed it. I guess I am just not one of those people who start to work out and fall in love with it. I just work out because it helps me mentally and helps me stay in shape. I’m not gonna push myself to do something I’ve never enjoyed. I would rather gain confidence in my body a different way…something I actually do enjoy and relaxes me.
I was on Instagram the other day, and I kept seeing all of these body positive and self-esteem boosting posts…you know the ones that are meant to be inspiring and to create that “feel good” moment. It made me start to wonder how many of those advocates posting really do feel 100% good about their own bodies. I know it’s easy for them to say they will accept their body as it is, but it is quite another thing to actually feel that way in the soul.
Personally, I know it is extremely difficult to accept your body. I have spent basically my entire life working towards acceptance, and I have just begun taking baby steps.
Of course, one day, I want to be able to look in the mirror, and be able to accept my flaws as they are. Despite that, when I look into the mirror, I no longer want to see them as “flaws,” rather to be able to notice them as just another part of my body. I want to be able to shop for clothes without concern for how a particular shirt or dress might make my stomach look. I mean, with this though, I just need to figure out what works with my body and what doesn’t. I am slowly starting to understand but some areas still need some work. Like I said, baby steps. One day, I will be able to step on a scale or look in the mirror and actually enjoy what is staring back at me.
One day, not today, but someday, and hopefully you will one day as well.