1. After excitedly telling the dad that I received an oil burner for my birthday (a highly underrated gift, thanks mom), he said that he would like to come smell my patchouli-scented apartment. I realize that patchouli is a very inviting scent, but that does not mean you should invite yourself over to smell it, strange tongue-ring wearing dad.
2. He told me that he would like to meet my cat, Sassafras (awesome name, I know). I responded by telling him that I probably shouldn’t bring the cat over, to which he replied, “No… at your apartment.” Hello, what? No thanks. Neither my cat nor I would enjoy that.
3. He told me that he really enjoyed spending time with me and would miss me while he was home out-of-state for a week WITH HIS FAMILY for Thanksgiving. I kindly reminded him that he would likely be very busy WITH HIS WIFE AND BABY. Your wife may be a little kooky look like a real life version of Miss Frizzle from The Magic School Bus, but that is no excuse.
4. While cooking dinner one night, he told me that some day he would really like to cook dinner for me. I enjoy a nice home-cooked meal just as much as the next gal, but I prefer it not be cooked by a married father who clearly thought that this gesture would woo my nanny pants off.
5. I mentioned that I had an appointment to get my hair cut, and he promptly told me that he loved my long, beautiful hair and should not cut it. Obvi, I chopped it off.
6. After telling me multiple times how cute my knitted winter headband with a big flower on it is, the dad decided that he wanted to try it on. So he did, without asking. I can’t decide if it would’ve been more or less strange if he had asked my permission…
7. One evening, shortly after I left their house for the night, the dad emailed me and said, “You’re a fox.”
8. One day the baby seemed like he was sick and I thought he might have a fever. Obviously, I’m not equipped nor did I feel comfortable to rectally take this kid’s temperature, so I did the distracting while his dad did the actual temperature taking. The baby wasn’t phased at all, although his dad did point out that he “clinched a little… but no more than you would!” Excuse me, did you really just make a reference to anal penetration after probing your child’s butthole with a thermometer?
9. When I finally got the courage to give my notice, I said that I had gotten an opportunity that would further my career. I saw ACTUAL TEARS welling up in the dad’s eyes as I delivered the news. Yes, sir, your creepy nanny fantasy has been squashed. SEE YUH!
10. About a month after I quit, the dad texted me to see if I would be home that evening because he had a haircut near my apartment and could “drop off my W2” (yes, they taxed me). I immediately got a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and responded that I would not be home, but could stop by the following day if the new nanny (bless her soul) would be there.
I will never EVER be a nanny again.