How I Found Myself By Losing You

The day has finally come. Today is the day I had hoped for eight months ago. That was the day I left because I found out through someone else that after two years with me, you were also in a relationship with another girl. I packed my things, took the dogs and that was it.

There were very dark days that followed. I was learning how to think again and how to be again. Our relationship was extremely unhealthy looking back on it now. You wanted a sense of normalcy in your life and I was 110% happy to give it to you. I did truly love you. I would have done anything for you, but you never reciprocated for me. I devoted my life to you. I went to school part-time and worked full-time so you could go to school full-time and we could eventually trade-off.

Anything you needed, I was there. I washed your clothes and cooked your meals not because I expected anything in return, but because I loved you.

You would go out with your friends and get hammered frequently and I would tolerate it and trust you because I loved you. I would go shopping by myself for an hour and would get questioned about my whereabouts, but I would ignore it because I loved you. Everything was a double standard, and by being so immersed in you I lost myself.

In the months that followed the breakup, I remembered that I like photography, art, music, hanging out with my friends, and many other things that I had forgotten and not done because I was lost in you. I looked at photos of myself toward the end of our relationship and I looked like someone so haggard and devoid of light. It was then that I actually got the picture.

I had lost control, not because you had forced me to, but because I was not practicing self-care like I should have. Yes, you are very much to blame for our relationship ending. But it was a blessing in disguise.

You know what I was able to do? I got to watch my little brother play his last year of high school football. I was able to be at home and help my mom through severe illness. I was able to go back to school full-time and speed up my graduation process. I found that I really love painting.

I love making thousands of playlists of songs for every mood. I learned that expressing emotions is a normal thing to do. I started a journal. I even went on a few dates, and I had a lot of fun! But most importantly, I found myself. I know what I like and what I don’t like. I know when the next man comes along I will know how to ground myself in myself, and still love him one hundred percent.

Today is the day that I saw through the fog for the first time and knew that it was all going to be okay. I have gathered all the bits of myself and put them back together correctly, all by myself. I’m going to be just fine. One day I hope you’ll do the same. Thought Catalog Logo Mark


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