If you are dating a dude, it is likely he has a best bro who factors into his life in a major way. They do your basic dude stuff together, like play a favorite sport on weekends, watch games, and drink while discussing issues with work, funny movies, and boobs. Obviously I’m generalizing, but you get the idea. Like most women, I’ve spent a decent amount of time wondering what they talk about when they hang out, but I’ve also occasionally felt a dull pang of jealousy for the relationship my boyfriend has with his best bros. Perhaps it’s because I like to think of myself as his best friend, and we certainly pal around in that way, but our relationship never quite reaches that level of bromance I see him have with them. There is just a special bond between men that women can never hope to achieve or break. Here are the top ten bro things of which I am most jealous:
1. The Bro Nicknames
JDog, Big T, Marbles, Slam shorts, Q-Ball, Smoochie Wallace, McKizzle, G-Fly T-Rex, Sanders, Hingle McCringlberry, the player formerly known as Mousecop. I could go on forever, but you get what I’m saying. They’re creative, and yet lovingly specific to the traits of said bro. They’re used in conversation, to get a bro’s attention, they’re even saved in your dude’s phone’s address book! I can’t tell you the pain I feel when he gets a call from “Shady”. All I get is baby animal names. Bunny, kitty, baby pea (not an animal, but still a diminutive). If I could trade just one of those for something like Smack Daddy P Awesome Shorts, I’d be a happy woman.
2. Facial Hair Races
This can happen at any time for any number of reasons, but there is no way I can ever compete with the awesomeness of facial hair races. Whether it’s Movember, a dude’s wedding where all the groomsmen want to look manly, or a Thursday, bros can just decide to grow hair out of their faces in interesting ways. And it KILLS me. What can we do? Grow our armpit hair and then shave it into handlebars? NO! Girls can’t tease each other about how slowly we grow pubic hair. It’s not right!
3. Comparing Boobs
Now I know what you’re going to say. This is sexist, and awful, and we don’t want to encourage such misogynistic behavior. But it’s so much fuuuuuun. I totally check out girls’ boobs all the time, but whenever I make comments, I feel my girlfriends making quiet judgements about my sexuality. When I do it with my manfriend, I can see him picturing a threesome. And that’s not the point, dammit! I just think it’s fun to make comparisons! I get the dude fascination with these supple mounds of flesh — boobs are beautiful, and just because I’m straight doesn’t mean I can’t admire them. Well, at least we have guy butts, which are totally fun to point out and talk about, and no one judges us for doing it. And I can be happy with that. For now.
4. Drinking a TON of beer together
Again, I know there are plenty of you ladies who can take down gallons of beer with the best of them, but sadly I am just not one of you. My guy tries to include me in these drinking-specific bro gatherings, but I ALWAYS get made fun of for only drinking three beers before I start to taper off. I’m sorry, guys! I get bloated, and my jeans are way tighter than yours! I never feel more dainty, and less bro-like than in these moments. It’s then that I stare longingly at your warm bro circles, filled with humor and good cheer as you clink your frosty mugs, and watch JDog quietly vomit beer out the side door. If I could puke and rally, I’d be right there with you, bro. I’d be right there with you.
5. Dude Steam Room Time
While ladies have steam rooms at their disposal at gyms or spas, what goes on in them is nothing like the serenity in guys-only steam rooms. Sometimes my boyfriend will play football with his bros in the park, then head over to the Turkish Baths for a nice shvitz. And all they do is sit there and sweat. No one complains about so and sos boyfriend’s cheating, or such and such’s awful bridesmaid dresses, or “oh crap, my nails are chipping, and I just…had them…doooonne”. They just sit down, shut the hell up, and hang in blissful silence for half an hour. This has NEVER happened to me in an all-girl steam room. And I cry about it sometimes. Alone in my bathroom. The only place I can get steam and quiet.
6. Bro Only Vacations or Brocations
Whether it’s for a bachelor party, or just a weekend away from the ladies, brocations are the sacred time among bros where they can really let it all hang out, often literally. They can eat anything they want, drink all day and night, and be disgusting in ways I can only imagine.
I assume it’s like everything on this list squeezed into two days times 12, but then what do I know? Along with the debauchery comes an assumed bro code of what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, even if they’re only at someone’s cousin’s cabin on Long Island. And what do I get? Chick weekends which almost always include antique shopping, apple picking, and games of “never have I ever” over a bottle of rose. Makes me sick.
7. Bro Shopping
This was something I didn’t even know existed until I’d been dating my bro for a few years. I found out after several failed attempts to take him shopping for new clothes – he’d always say something like, “nah, I don’t need anything right now”, and then a week later, I’d find out he went blazer shopping with J-Bird. It felt worse than being cheated on. Now they’re bro-ing out on girly stuff like shopping?? That’s like the ONE THING that’s supposed to belong to the girlfriend; the right to objectify her man in fun, new clothing in front of a store of strangers. Nothing is sacred anymore. I imagine them trying on shirts and pants and ties, and doing the male version of the Pretty Woman montage while I download gay porn.
I have “fighting” in quotes here, because what I’ve seen bros do with each other definitely doesn’t constitute real knock down fighting. That doesn’t mean they don’t occasionally get hurt, but it’s all in good fun, and usually they’re too drunk to feel anything until the morning anyhow. I think the reason this one makes me jealous is because I was always pretty scrappy, and used to pick fights with boys when I was little. But now that have I boobs and all, no guy will rough house with me for fear of bruising the fragile flower. If I attempt to engage my dude, he turns it into a tickle fight, which while seemingly fun, is actually terrible, and often make me pee a little. Or it turns into sex, which was sooooo not the point. And don’t even get me started on girl fights. Never fun, just very slappy and scratchy.
9. Playing and/or Watching Sports
Of course girls play sports and watch sports together too, but when dudes make plans to spend an entire day dedicated to sports, the result is the definition of brotherhood. They get dirty. They play with strangers in the park, and talk smack at each other (all in good fun, of course). Whether they win or lose, the unifying physical activity makes them all feel fantastic. Then they hunker down in a dive bar, talk excitedly about the time they just had, and watch other teams play sports. Mmmmm, can’t you just smell the stale hops and pretzels? Me neither, cause I’m back in my apartment cleaning the bathroom. Like a good woman’s supposed to do. I may also be eating an entire bag of ranch Doritos, but that’s my business!
10. Picking Up Chicks
This one’s perhaps the most interesting, because there is definitely a girl version, but it’s totally not the same. I’ve often noticed while girlfriends seem to be in support of one of them scoring a dude, there is often a palpable jealousy that lingers in the air. However, when bros go out together to pick up chicks, there’s an unspoken loyalty that exists among them, which results in an almost instinctive backing off when one of them seems to have made a conquest. This is indicative of the “bros before hoes” theory, which suggests a bro-lationship is more significant than a ho-lationship. Such loyalty is awe-inspiring, and while I’ve tried many times to be a wingman for my bro-friends, the result never seems to be as bond solidifying. But again, that’s what makes the bromance special, and why we girlfriends are so jealous of it. Ah well. At least we still have sex.