1. Assigned seating
This is an archaic system that should’ve been excommunicated from the wedding world decades ago, but because the parents paying for the wedding think general seating will create chaos on an already chaotic day, it still exists. Now you might be lucky and be attending a wedding where you’re one of a group of friends from college or something, in which case you’ll likely be at the “college table”. But if you fall into the “random friend” category, it’s likely you’ll end up at the table with the only three married couples who brought their insane kids. That, or it’ll be you and the cousins from Paraguay who don’t speak English and judge you for eating your roll.
2. If you’re single, NOT being given “and guest”
This is the worst, especially if you don’t know many people at the wedding and are not Ms. Outgoing. It also makes one feel like your friend getting married is trying to get you to mingle with the single dudes she/he invited, and that’s like being forced to mate in captivity. At least give your single friends the chance to find a sure thing hook up buddy before the wedding. Even if they only bring a friend, they’ll have more confidence to go out and drunkenly hook up with other singles at the wedding, which will make for some fun blooper photos.
3. Being invited to the bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, AND wedding
Each occasional requires an outfit, transportation, gift, and possible lodging. Get ready to spend upwards of $1,000 on your sorority sister who puked on your suede shoes that one time.
4. Gift registries
Helpful in theory, except that you will inevitably wait till the week before the wedding to get something off of it, and all that will be left is the $8 spatula, or the $349 Dutch oven. So get ready to pony up that dough, because you do not want to be the friend that gets something not on the registry. Lord you do not. Not unless you want the bride to give you “you’re dead to me” eyes. There is only one way to end this vicious last minute gift scramble for good. Brides, say it with me, Honeymoon Fund.
5. Being asked to be in the wedding party.
The bride/groom will make you feel like you can’t say no, and the result is a never-ending list of crap. The next several months will be filled with ridiculously expensive, time-consuming nonsense. You will be involved in hoards of group texts and emails sent by the bride, the bride’s mom, the wedding planner, the groom, and the maid of honor (yes it’s worse if you’re a girl) outlining fitting schedules, shower ideas, shoe height, size, and color issues. Note to self, when bridal bingo issues start taking up more time at work than work, put the phone down.
6. NOT being invited to the wedding of someone you thought was your good friend.
…And then being forced to go through their happy wedding pictures on Facebook with all your friends who WERE invited. This is a sad, hilariously ironic thing, because when we’re finally let off the hook for one of these things, we act like we’ve just been broken up with by the love of our lives. It’s okay, guys. Not having to stay in the Howard Johnson in Skunkville Iowa is a good thing.
7. Cutesy Wedding Invitations
You know the ones I’m talking about. Guy and girl playing tug of war with a knot in the middle and the headline reads “Bob And Ella Are Tying The Knot!” Gag me. Or you open the invitation and 12 sheets of scented linen paper come flying out. The best are the ones on such thick cardboard it feels like wood, and then the invite is for a wedding at a sustainable farm, because the environment.
8. Weddings in remote/hard to find places
Guys. I know you want to get married at that beautiful pond in Vermont where you met on that photography workshop all those years ago, but remember, your friends aren’t taking the week off beforehand to get up there, get settled, and put on clothes that don’t smell like care sweat. By all means, have a destination wedding, but make sure it’s reasonably accessible by land, air, or sea. I guarantee you, if we have to drive 2 hours from the airport and the invitation says to make a right and drive 10 miles down the dirt road after you hit the tree that looks like Mark Twain, we’re going to miss the ceremony.
9. Bridesmaid dresses
Uhhh, it hurts to even think about it. Whether you have to wear one or just look at one, they suck. They’re never flattering, they’re expensive, and no, the 100-way twisty strap dress doesn’t make me look distinctive, just like I’m not wearing a bra. And if you really think $300 is worth it because I’ll totally get the chance to wear it again, you’re not my friend anymore.
10. Cash Bar
So let me get this straight. You’re making us pay an arm and a leg to get pretty and come all the way out to Deliverance, West Virginia, and now you want us to pay for the only thing that will take the pain away? AND we don’t find this out until we get there, dusty, and tired, and angry? You will get yours, my friend. Get ready for belligerent wedding guest photo-bombing your entire wedding album.
11. Extra long religious ceremonies
Okay, so I know this is a bit of a touchy subject because religion always is, but there simply has to be a cap on ceremony time. My attention span for most exciting things is about 2 hours, so if you’re planning on longer than that, you’re guests will sleep through the toasts. We understand your religious beliefs and rituals are important, but please remember this is a wedding ceremony, not a 5 act Shakespearean play. Kthnx.
12. Too. Many. Speeches.
Immediate Family. Maid of Honor. Best Man. We don’t care that your second cousin once removed used throw his hamsters at you while you cried when you were kids. This is not open mic night at the Funny Bone. Or if it is, there better be a free two-drink minimum.
13. The dreaded drunk dad speech.
These are inevitable, and one of the hardest things to sit through especially if you’re at all related to him. I equate them to watching a car crash that goes on forever in slow motion. Either he’s not a good public speaker, and trips over everything he says (even if the speech is written down and in front of his face), or he loves to talk, thinks he’s the best at it, and goes on forever. It’s especially awesome when the father of the bride’s talking about how hot his daughter is in comparison to the bridesmaids. True Story.
14. Clinking glasses to make the bride and groom kiss.
It’s annoying, and gets old reaaaaal quick. This is only appropriate during quiet speech time otherwise you’re messing with the flow of the party. Plus you know they’re not performing monkeys as much as we’d like them to be.
15. Drunk bride
This happens far too often, and much like dogs humping, you can’t not look at it in awe and disgust. True, it is her day, but you’d hope she wouldn’t want to French kiss the trumpet player, take off her something borrowed underpants in the middle of the dance floor, throw up on the groom, and fall asleep on the buffet table when so many pictures are being taken.
16. Bride and groom cutting the cake
While this can be cute on occasion, it usually turns awkward real fast. More often than not, no one was taught how to cut a tiered cake, and the result is along the lines of stabbing it in different places until a chunk finally comes loose. Or the cake dies whichever comes first.
17. Reception Food
This is a tricky one. I’ve been to weddings were the passed around hors d’oeuvres are great, but the main course is terrible, and vice versa. It’s very rare that both will be spectacular, but we dare to dream. Much like bungee jumping, you won’t know until you try it. And make it back home alive.
18. Bad music
Bad music at a wedding is just the last nail in the coffin. Whether it’s a DJ or a full band, if all we’re hearing is Top 40 with Beatles snuck in every other song, we have a problem.
This is going to sound super hokey, but the music you play at your wedding should be an expression of your unique relationship, so when you put absolutely no thought into it, that says something, and it’s not good. Also boring music in general sucks. We came here to get down, fools!
19. In your face wedding photographers.
Okay, so I totally get the point of having them, but why are they taking pictures of the backs of your great aunt and uncle’s heads? Or of everybody’s feet in the dancing mosh pit? Or of my wtf expression as I’m walking out of the bathroom?? Not funny or relevant, dude. Indian food is hard to digest.