7 Deal Breakers: Know When It’s Time To Give Him The Keys To The Street

By Allison Grace Parker

A deplorable amount of Los Duderinos don’t know how to act right and be fixing to mess up your flow. You most assuredly ain’t got time for that! OK OK – every guy has his foibles. Maybe he celebrates The Grateful Dead’s entire catalogue and dresses like Patagonia sponsors him even when he’s on hiatus from ice climbing. You can still make that work. Hit a Deal Breaker, though, and it’s on to the next one. Preserve your HBIC status by cranking the escape hatch whenever you chance upon any of the following DBs.

1. He Talks About Himself Ad Nauseum.

BOOOORING. Quietly slip away while he’s lost in sweet revelry delineating his chest, back and thigh cycle at the gym or painstakingly recounting his longest keg stand during rush week. If you’re super sly about it, he probably won’t even notice. Shake it off and go engage in reciprocal confabulation with someone who isn’t a complete blowhard.

2. His Friends are Douche Nozzles

Just as The Law of Attraction stipulates that like attracts like, quality dudes attract quality dude friends. If they’re good people, they will put forth noticeable effort to make you feel at ease and promote their friend. On the contrary, they could be complete bozos and try to blow up his spot by putting him on blast. Not ok. You in all likelihood have a Grade A douche nozzle on your hands. These are, after all, the people he voluntarily chooses to spend time with. Tuck, roll and hit the ground running. I mean, let’s think big picture: You really want to be on a trivia team with this crew or name your future progeny after one of them? Didn’t think so.

3. He Has Bad Breath

Shallow of me, right? Horse feathers! I stand by this one. Oral hygiene is the tip of the iceberg when taking overall personal care into consideration. Just as the eyes are windows to soul, your mouth is the gateway to your nether regions. This emphasis on self care is especially crucial since foreskin is making a comeback.

4. He Hits the Sauce – And He Hits it Hard

Sloppy drunk not cute. His alcohol abuse is indicative of profound emotional issues that will – through no fault of your own – bar him from maintaining a stable and lasting relationship. Less scientifically, the man has demons, and, as evidenced by the 1973 film addressing such subject matter, exorcisms are exhausting, result in expensive dry cleaning bills and get the neighbors talking. So, let the Power of Christ compel you towards a guy who is comfortable being himself or letting his funky flag fly without the assistance of booze.

5. He’s Still Hung Up On His Ex

Run, Lola, run. If he hasn’t healed and moved on from his past relationship, he is not in a position to pursue a new one. Plain and simple. You will become a vessel for all the bullshit that transpired between the two of them. He will be incapable of seeing you as an individual and basically lump you in with all the crap she did to him, or her did to her, or they did to each other. (Who knows, who cares.) He will approach conflict dragging all that rank-ass garbage behind him and stymie the possibility of any real growth between the two of you. Move on and point him in the direction of a therapist’s couch where he can pay a qualified professional to guide him through the transference process.

6. He Sets Up An Electric Fondue Pot on the Wall-to-Wall Carpeting in His Bedroom and Expects You to Employ the Use of Nacho Cheese Doritos to Eat Cheez Whiz Out of It

This actually happened to a friend of mine. Give me a break, guy, we all know Cool Ranch is the superior Dorito flavor preferred by all Queen Bees.

7. He Isn’t Attuned to the Language of Your Body

This is your temple and you know how to get it off. No girl wants her lady parts indiscriminately jabbed at like a slot machine. Unless, of course, that’s what you’re into (cha-ching). Notwithstanding, romantic intimacy is a shared experience wherein in communication between partners engenders a fulfilling erotic connection for both parties. Tell him to save the button mashing for the Super Smash Bros. tournament. Excuse yourself to post up on your couch and watch Battle Star Galactica.