Sometimes I Wonder What It Would Be Like If We Were Still Together

I see you every day, you know. In the dark hours when I sleep alone, not ready to take another one with me to bed, I relieve our happiest moments and create new ones alongside them. Last night I dreamed there was a tornado, and my phone blew up with texts and calls from you checking to make sure I was okay. “I just heard the news — need to know that you are safe,” was one that stayed with me even moments after I woke up. You’re with me even when you’re not, my mind creating new stories after our real one has taken place.

When we were together, I stopped being cynical and starting being that person I had always seen in romantic comedies, but now I really understand — should I have said a drama? I’m not sure if our tale would fit under any genre, for all its tragic what ifs and blissful recollections.

When I saw you that first time on the bus, there was some magnet that drew me to you, and it appeared, you to me as well. Within minutes, you became the world to which I had always been trying so desperately hard to connect. Our conversations took me beyond the depths of loneliness and onto another surface of connection, fascination, understanding. There were no limits to what we might discover about each other and ourselves through our words, but the silence existed too, and that was equally as comforting.

When I listen to music these days, I often imagine what it would be like if we were still together. If I were to drop everything and get on a plane to see you. If you had done that for me in the months that have since passed. I think about the conversations that have not yet happened between us, the laughter that has yet to be shared, the sadness that has yet to be broken through. I think about the unspoken understanding we created that night, when we looked at each other in a room full of people and felt, truly, like the we were the only ones who mattered, that this was something that mattered, that this was meant to happen.

All those months ago, I used to want to stay awake for hours because I didn’t want to waste any time I could have spent with you, searching more, loving more. And now I am torn between eagerly retreating to my dreams of fantasy and forcing myself into insomnia because sometimes waking up to reality is just too much to bear. I try to explain my feelings to others, but how easy is it to look someone in the eye who wasn’t there, who hasn’t felt the power of your gaze, your touch, your heart, and say, “I fell in love at first sight and now that they’re gone, I don’t know how to see again”.

In those brief moments between my dreams and nostalgia, I hope to myself that you are doing well, that you are happy. That you know someone is sending love your way and that you believe you are worthy of love. There really is something special there and I hope you have the courage to share it, like you did with me.