I’ll Never Stop Loving You, But I Don’t Know If It’s Enough Anymore

image - Flickr / Helga Weber
image – Flickr / Helga Weber

What I wish most in this world, right now, at this present moment, more than anything, is for you to be here with me. I want you to hold me in your arms and never let me go. I want to feel you and your warmth right next to me. I want to hold your hand in mine. I want to feel the softness of your lips and savor the taste of the your tongue. I want to feel your hands on my body. I want to touch your face and your neck and your back and your arms. I want you all around me, all over me, all with me right now and forever.

I want to hear your laugh in my ear. I want to hear your voice talk about everything and nothing. I want to laugh with you and smile at you and tell you all the secrets that flow from my lips. I want to see your bright, handsome smile reflecting back at me. I want to feel your fine, thick black hair in my overeager hands. I want to gaze at you for what feels like hours. I want to have long, drawn out conversations with you about all the things that come into our heads. I want to be amused by you and prodded with questions and fumble my way through our conversation. I want to create more memories by your side.

What I wish for whenever I see a shining star, whenever the clock turns 11:11, is you. It never changes; my wish is always for you. Right now, it’s hard to think about you. I wish I didn’t have to, but you’re constantly there always in right smack in front of me, just waiting for my head to fill with thoughts of you. You’re an ever-present memory, constantly replaying and remembering all the feelings I felt, all the smiles I gave, all the laughs I emitted, all the passions I bore. I cannot ever stop this incessant wanting of you. My second wish is that this was not the case, but if I’m being honest, I would not ever completely wish that. I’ve said many times that life would be a lot easier if I had never met you or if I had never developed the feelings I feel for you or if we had never gone out on that first date on the night beneath the stars where everything suddenly was perfect and everything was right in the world, just for those few hours that we were together, everything made sense and went completely and totally right.

The truth is, I would never wish for that. I will never regret meeting you. You changed my life. That is the complete and honest truth. Everyone a person meets changes their life, maybe not just a random stranger you pass walking to class and hold the door open for, but if they have a significant place in your life, they change it. You changed mine. Tremendously. I don’t think I would be the same person I am today if I had not met you. I obviously would not have experienced a crush, a deep liking for someone, or a love for someone if I had not met you. Maybe I may have met someone else in my life, or someone else may have come along, but I’m not sure it would have compared to how knowing you has been. You are an amazing person and I really do believe you when you say you are not like other guys. Yes, there are many times where you will annoy the shit out of me, make me sad not on purpose, but by just doing the confusing things you do, or make me incredibly angry I could just scream into oblivion. But, the times you make me insanely and incredibly happy, make me feel things I’ve never felt before, keep surprising me, make me feel special and wanted and cared about, that’s what keeps me coming back. It’s you and everything you are that draws me in.

However…I just don’t know if that’s enough anymore. I am in too deep and I need to pull myself back out if you aren’t going to go the same way for me. But, what do I need to decide? What is the best decision? What is the right choice? What is the path that will make me the happiest? What is up and what is down? What is positive and what is negative? What is the best and what is the worst? What is the right answer, here? What is the correct choice to make in this exceedingly confusing, mentally and emotionally demanding situation? I wish I knew. God, do I wish I had the answers. But, the truth is, I don’t think either of us do. I don’t think anyone does. Ad this is why I cannot make my choice. Not just yet, at least. Maybe one day, maybe one night, maybe in the near future or the far future…but just not tonight. TC mark

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