I did not make it to a strip club until just recently.
I can’t say that I had any concrete expectations in mind before I got there, but my brain ran fucking wild as soon as I set foot in the door.
Although I’ve had plenty of time to ruminate on the whole experience, I’m still not totally sure whether I liked or disliked it. So while I continue to try to come to a conclusion on it, here are some of the thoughts that ran through my mind that night:
1) Look at me, being a cool girl.
2) I am so cool, I bet some of these guys are checking me out instead of the strippers.
3) *looks around* Nope, they have no idea I exist.
4) That’s okay. All the people in here are really sketchy looking.
5) That guy over there looks like he’s in the Mob.
6) Oh shit, he caught me staring at him.
7) Okay, just look at the stripper. You weren’t looking at him. He isn’t going to slice up you and your entire family.
8) Why do people come here? I feel so…out of place.
9) These girls aren’t even hot.
10) Ooooo wait, except that girl!
11) Damn, I’d let her sit on my face, and I’m not even remotely gay.
12) Or maybe I am…
13) Is this how girls find out that they’re gay?
14) Should I have come here a long time ago?
15) Oh my god, one of them’s coming over to me. Can they also read minds???
16) “Hiiii…..Oh, I’m Allie! I’m good, how are you!”
17) Allie, shut the fuck up. They don’t want to have a conversation with you, you idiot.
18) “No, I don’t have the money for that, I’m sorry! But, um, here, this is for you!” *awkwardly sticks a one-dollar bill in her G-string*
19) Oh thank god that’s over.
20) This is so awkward.
21) How do these guys just ogle these women so shamelessly?
22) I don’t know where to look.
23) Maybe I’ll turn my chair around to the stage behind me.
24) Oh no way, this girl is fucking gross.
25) SHE HAS A PIERCING IN HER BUTT CRACK.
26) SINCE WHEN DOES THAT EXIST?!
27) Now I’m just thinking about how painful it must have been to get that pierced.
28) Do the guys here think about this kind of shit, too?
29) Probably not.
30) Maybe I like, need to be gay to enjoy coming to a strip club.
31) Oooo but that girl is climbing the pole!
32) And now she’s upside down!
33) Ugh, I wish I could do that.
34) That kinda shit is AMAZING for your core.
35) I’m totally going to take pole dancing lessons this summer. *puts this in Notes on my phone to never be looked at again*
36) OH MY GOD that girl has a C-section scar!
37) It’s 2AM right now, where the fuck is her child??
38) Chill, Allie. Don’t be judgmental. There’s gotta be a perfectly nice father at home with the baby.
39) Strippers make damn good money; that family is gonna be fine.
40) What if I got to a point in my life where needed to get a job like this to support myself?
41) I could totally do this.
42) I have nice tits. I go to the gym.
43) Hmm, I can’t do my makeup like that, though.
44) Do the strippers get makeup artists?
45) Probably not. That’s a stupid question.
46) But I can dance like that. I definitely can.
47) I practice all the time naked in front of the mirror before I get in the shower.
48) Everyone does that, right?
49) Well, girls anyway.
50) How else do people learn to twerk unless they do that?!
51) Hmm…I’m bored.
52) Oh my god, that stripper just offered to do a couples dance for me and my boyfriend.
53) She even wanted me to dance with her.
54) Aw, she thought I was pretty! That’s so sweet of her!
55) Hmm, maybe that would have been really hot.
56) Ugh, but I so don’t have fifty dollars. Or self-esteem.
57) Plus she’s all dressed up. In heels and shit.
58) My shirt doesn’t even have any cleavage.
59) My boyfriend would probably leave me afterwards.
60) I can’t say I blame him. I can’t do anything that these women can do.
61) Ugh, now I’m just bummed out.
62) But my guy friends still wanna stay.
63) They could probably live here and be perfectly content.
64) Sigh…I guess I’ll just drink until I’m gay. Or at least bi.