I’m Still Waiting For You (Even Though I Shouldn’t)

Acy Varlan
Acy Varlan

Do you want to know something funny? I could get all the validation in the world from everyone I know, everyone I have ever met, everyone who follows me on social media. And somehow the only one that makes my heart jump a little bit is yours.

I know this is stupid, but when you liked my Instagram picture did the memories come flashing back like a highlight reel for a movie? Did you smile for a minute before you kept scrolling or was it a double tap and that’s it?

Maybe these are questions that confirm I am an over thinker, but I’m simply curious. Is this the end for you? The end I have convinced myself that it finally is, the end I never wanted to come. Am I hopeful? Sometimes. Do I have any reason to be hopeful? Definitely not.

I’m just a girl hanging on a thin strand of hope that’s slowly fraying apart. And maybe that is all I’ll ever be, the girl who tried to hold on for too long. The girl who would have given it all back to kiss you one last time. The girl who is still dreaming, thinking, and writing about you.

I’m the girl who’s still optimistic when I have no reason to be.

Everyone says you must move on, you have to let other people in, and I do. Except that doesn’t make me any less hopeful for you.

Sometimes I wonder that when I look back on these years will I laugh at how hopeful I was. When my children ask if I’ve ever been in love will I say yes and crack a smile as I think about you? Will I end up with someone who’s not you and spend the rest of my life thinking what could have been? Or will you be the one I’ll be with in the end? Who knows.

Maybe I’m simply waiting for the day to login Facebook and see that you’re in a new relationship. That’s when I will lose all hope, all optimism, and that’s when the string will officially break and stay broken.

I will never be able to fully let you go, and I’m coping with that.

Until then, thanks for the validation you give me every so often on Instagram. It makes me think you haven’t completely crossed me off your list yet. TC mark

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