I Know I Should Hate You But I Actually Miss You

John-Mark Kuznietsov
John-Mark Kuznietsov

I never thought I’d come to this moment of longing for someone I never ever want to miss again. I kept saying “I don’t miss you anymore” then the next thing I know is I am already staring at nothing. I kept staring at nothing, I stared at walls, at ceilings and even just at a rock thinking of all the “what if’s” that could have happened to us.

Am I just lying to myself all the time? Or is it just my brain playing tricks on me? Why do I always see your name? In every movie credits or even some stranger that I just knew owns your name. Even some labels on any products that I read has your name. Why are you hunting me? I left. I left because I was scared. I was a coward, I totally admit that.

I just wished I never had feelings because these are just the ones killing me every time your name comes up my screen or your voice from some place I don’t know enters my ears or even your scent that has placed some kind of uncomfortable memory in my brain. Why? Why are you doing this to me? I’m sorry, I think said that wrong. I think that the real question is why am I still doing this to myself? Why am I still letting you affect me this much?

I wanted to tell that I missed every moment I had with you, every hug you gave me, every song you sang to me and just everything about you is starting to get really “missable” at this moment.

I just wanted to tell you I missed you but somehow my mouth has a mind of its own where it can open whenever I plan on telling you everything. I wanted to tell you how empty I am, how empty I was. I wanted to tell you how scary the world got when things and even people get really bad. I wanted to tell that I missed every moment I had with you, every hug you gave me, every song you sang to me and just everything about you is starting to get really “missable” at this moment.

I know I can survive without you and that sometimes I have this anger inside me that’s taking me away from you. I, myself, am taking me away from you. Why? Because I know that you’re someone that will never ever love me the way I loved you. Love?  Did I just say love? Do I really love you? I think I hate you. I hate you so much because you’ve turned me into this person who doesn’t trust anyone anymore. You said you’d love me for who I am but all I heard from that mouth of yours is how disgusting I am to you.

You laughed at me and somehow I guess played with my feelings too. Is that what people do now? Laugh at people’s confessions? Just because I was drunk at that time doesn’t mean I didn’t know what I was doing. Just because I am ugly and fat doesn’t mean you can laugh at me because you think you know that I can’t be loved.  Are you a god? Are you some kind of a supernatural being that can judge a person like me? How dare you say I was worthless. How dare you say you missed me when you had everything and everyone begging at your feet for attention and admit it, you loved it. How dare you say you loved me for who I am when all you did was put me down while I was trying to fight you to let myself stand through all your stupid jokes and criticisms.

So, there they are all the reasons why I should hate you. I’ve got a hundred or maybe even a thousand reasons why I can’t trust you anymore but guess what? All these are covered in some kind of mist that I can’t seem to see clearly because every time you come near me, every single reason that’s hidden inside this mist disappears.

Yes, I have all the reasons to hate you but I also have the reasons to love you. The problem is, are all these reasons to love you true enough for me believe? TC mark

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