This Time I’m Choosing To Be Alone

Another One Bites The Dust plays in my head as I’m saying goodbye to yet another man who I tried to make it work with. What number is this? Maybe 500, not sure I lost count after all the fake laughs, nervous butterflies, and yet another person to tell my life story to, just to have them sit there and pretend they are listening to me. But I guess I have to keep trying, right? I mean, that’s the only way to find someone. “You can’t give up now, you’re only 24 years old,” I tell myself as a tear runs down my face after another stab in the heart and another name goes into the rejection jar.

But my life was planned out. Meet someone by 21, get engaged and married by 25, and potentially have little blonde haired, blue eyed children running around by age 27. So much for that plan. In reality, when we plan for everything, it doesn’t allow us to live in the moment and to soak up the memories of being young and alone. I say alone because in reality, I’m choosing to be alone. I’m not just taking the first man who shows interest in me. I have standards, and that’s why it’s fail after fail, because I so desperately want love but I want the right love.

I don’t have men lined up anymore because I’ve learned to love myself and to have high standards. When I was insecure and vulnerable, that’s when they wanted me. They wanted to sink their dirty little teeth into me and watch me beg them to stay while I simultaneously hurt my self-esteem and my confidence. But that’s not love, that’s manipulation, and I’ve been there and done that. I don’t want my future to be based off of lies and deceit but off of truth and compassion for myself and others; I’ll wait until I can find that. For I am not lonely but I am alone, and I choose to be alone until I stumble upon the man that fits my standards, that loves to no end, and that puts his words into actions. Until that day comes, I’ll be alone and happy, because I choose to not give up my standards and my morals to just follow my plans that I thought I had set up for myself.

I write so I do not have to feel frustration within my soul.

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