Is It Selfish That I’m Not Ready To Let You Go?

Have you ever held on to something because you were scared to feel the pain of not knowing that it is gone? Their toxicity, their lack of effort, and their constant stabbing in the back isn’t enough pain for you to leave that person. Because you would rather feel that pain over and over again than feel the pain of never speaking to them again or the idea of not having them in your life.

Is it selfish to hold onto someone you know is hurting you because you can’t stand to watch them walk away? Is it self-centered to hurt yourself in the meantime because at least you get to blame it on them for not trying or not loving you instead of feeling the guilt of giving up? But why? Why can’t I just let go? Maybe I am selfish. I’m selfish because I’d rather have pain induced by myself than have someone else have the power to ruin me. When you give someone that power, they own your feelings, your happiness, your everything.

You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to sit there and pretend that you love me and pretend that you care. You don’t get to sit there and spew untruthful words out of your mouth that will never amount to action. You don’t get to sit there and control my emotions like a puppeteer controls his puppets. So I will stay and I will feel unlovable and I will make myself miserable so that I feel in control of the pain and the results.

I want to hurt me, not you. I want to know that it is my fault and I have the last words and I made the decision to hurt me. But when the day comes that I do decide to leave, it will be because I am selfish.  Because I am strong, because I don’t need you to love me to know how to feel loved. When that day comes, I will make the decisions in spite of the pain I allowed myself to endure. And I will be stronger and happier like I wanted all along, because you did not win. I did.