I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, thinking of a thousand different things, unable to relax my body or my mind.
I go through my day, irritable because every single person around me is moving and thinking too slow and cannot keep up with me.
I don’t sleep for days, and if I do, it’s for no more than three or four hours each night.
I get so excited during the day and feel like I can conquer the world. Nothing can ever stand in my way.
I text my ex and ask to hook up because I want the thrill of my body next to someone else’s to satisfy my libido.
I become more productive than ever and I feel on top of my life, more than ever.
I might even rearrange my room, clean the bathroom, cook a meal, do laundry—anything to keep my mind and body active.
I come up with my future and set it in stone for myself, only to change it repeatedly.
And then I come crashing down.
And then it repeats.
Bipolar mania is a blessing and a curse all at the same time. The thrill of mania is the best feeling. I can’t put it into words. It’s the debilitating downfall that makes me wish I could control my brain. I would take being manic any day of the year as long as that meant I didn’t have to deal with the depression that usually comes after.
Like I said, it’s a blessing and a curse all at the same time, and I’m still trying to figure out how.