Orgasms are Boring

Orgasms have always been a problem for me. First I thought it was my fault, then I thought it was the fault of everyone I had ever been to bed with, and then I decided it was the fault of the entirety of recorded history. Now that I’ve got that figured out, I feel a whole lot better.

I first learned to get myself off with a Pocket Rocket at the age of 17. Then I got teased a whole bunch by my best friend for hotwiring the Pocket Rocket with a paper clip and some electrical tape to make it run on two AA batteries instead of one. The following few years were characterized by ever more powerful varieties of vibrators, culminating in a knockoff of The Rabbit, which ran on four AA batteries. At some point shortly after this purchase I discovered I could get myself off using only my fingers. What! Turns out it’s super easy, and all that preliminary electronic assistance just helped me figure out where and where not to expend my energies.

I could make a map right now in pencil crayons demarcating my no-fly zones and sensitive spots, were someone to ask for one – but that has never happened. I have also considered a colourful tattoo of borders and targets, and maybe supplying pen-lights for any visitors to the area. The moral of the story is that the oft-quoted advice for dudes, “Don’t masturbate too much or you’ll desensitize yourself and real sex will suck,” is completely inapplicable to chicks with vibrators. Thank god.

Despite having finally figured out the process, I’m still unable to make myself come in the presence of other people. I think I can count four times where I’ve orgasmed because of self-stimulation during sex with someone, and two memorable times when an amazing partner made me come from oral. I should probably marry that guy, come to think of it. For the most part, though, whenever I’m not alone, the whole thing becomes a performance, even when I’m trying my hardest to squeeze my eyes shut and pretend no one’s around. Whether my partner’s involved – lying next to me, grabbing a tit, sucking on an earlobe – or asleep and oblivious, it is almost always a waste of time. And it’s nobody’s fault: it’s just that orgasms don’t have anything to do with being with somebody. Orgasms are the Debbie Downers of intimacy.

Telling your sexual partners that you’re anorgasmic is possibly the nicest thing you can do for them and the meanest thing you can do to yourself. Somehow the admission puts the onus squarely on you, the anorgasmic, and your chosen method of psychiatric therapy. It’s like being a hipster: it does nobody any good to own up to it. It’s better to let your partners try all their best moves first – and if they don’t bother, that too is useful information.

I think of orgasms now as one of those body-maintaining rituals that just have to happen, like flossing, or getting eight hours of sleep – you know you’re supposed to keep up with them, and it nags at you if you haven’t bothered in a while. It’s well documented that going without orgasms, like getting shortchanged on shut-eye, leaves me cranky and bitter and more dependent on mild intoxicants.

Most of the time my masturbation routine is just about as mundane as can get. I’m in bed, it’s the end of the day, and I’m reading. Anything – murder mysteries, magazines, memoirs, manuals –whatever. It’s not supposed to be sexy: it’s supposed to waste a few minutes until my fingers get me in the mood. That’s not to say that orgasms aren’t fun, or that I don’t eventually put the book down and start thinking about sexy-times. It’s just that everything anyone has ever told me about sensuality and eroticism is inimical to my own experience

I think I’d like orgasming more if we could all embrace it as the challenge it is. Maybe if we used the scientific method – you know, you put that thing in there and then I’ll mix this fluid with those and then we’ll take some measurements, post some documentation online, and ask for feedback from the community – then things would be better. That’d be fun. TC mark

image – iStockPhoto


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  • Carlos Ortiz

    Mental note to myself: get really good at oral sex.


      it took you this article to realize that???

      • exitclov

        better late than never, eh?

  • Jordan

    of course you can cum by yourself. there's no pressure, nothing – just you. learning to cum with another person takes practice most of the time. you have to relax and not worry about it, for one. when you start feeling it, even just a little bit, concentrate on that and think, “this is the best feeling i've ever had in my life!” because at that moment, it is. you weren't having that feeling before, and now you are. it sounds lame, but think that and keep on thinking it, and it really works. learning to cum from/with someone else is an ability i've had to practice.

  • S.Sam

    I can't help but feel that this article didn't make very much sense…

    • Sa

      It really didn't.

      • Alex

        Agreed. And that's not the scientific method.

  • http://my.staff.get/it jeez

    Seems like the moral of the story is the complete opposite of what you said, jerking off did fuck you up

  • Charlie Sheen's Mind

    This article pretty much sums up my entire (sex) life

  • al

    Apparently, women not being able to cum with their partners is a lot more common than people think. I've never faked it and I think that ruins relationships honestly, especially if communication is lacking in and out of bed. I could see that he was bothered that I was never getting off, but at the same time, I don't really think he cared whether I came or not. That relationship ended a few months ago and basically all I do now is wank/porn, eat, and sleep… I'm trying to catch up for lost time.

    • hmm

      seems bleak

  • Mitch

    You used inimical correctly and made a sex-as-science joke. Orgasm or no, that's hot.

  • Oh_sunflower

    It's like you know me(:

  • Herpderp012

    i am not surprised a woman wrote this.

  • math


  • Guest

    get your fingers out of your pussy and find a man.

    • captainpenishelmet

      get the finger out of your asshole and stop using the internet, fucker

  • asdfghjkl


  • EB

    I've found the opposite. I can't cum on my own, only with a partner. I wonder why?…

  • Lezlie

    can't believe you had your first orgasm at 17. i used to roll around on my hand at age 4 or maybe even earlier. there is one incident i remember distinctly that involves the “kissing” scene in la bamba and me hiding behind the recliner in my living room humping my hand/the ground.

    never really thought about whether or not this was “normal” – starting to think i was a child slut.

    • baby-bi

      Read about Sigmund Freud’s psychosexual stages

  • pfft

    i have the same problem.

  • Erika Soliz

    people took this so critically haha, chill out people!
    as for me, it's like you know my whole sex life story!
    loved this article.

  • phmadore

    G-spot or no?

    The tattoo idea is awesome. This should become a new fad/standard for women.

  • Airina Imran

    damn I need a man in between my legs right now.
    that said, good read!


    Also an ex gf told me a story about how she would masturbate when a child at the thought of dinosaurs because she didn't know any better. I thought that was the fucking funniest shit I had ever heard. I hope she doesn't read this.


      I really doubt she has a google alert for “masturbate dinosaurs” but she might.

  • exitclov

    I've never had an orgasm (to my knowledge) and am currently reading Mara Altman's “Thanks for Coming”, about her quest to finally have one. She goes all over the country talking to sexologists & sex workers, and it's funny as hell. You should check it out! Also, thanks for speaking the truth–motherfuckers need to know.

  • RUBY

    This is all so stupidly obvious to anyone who has ever spoken to more than one other woman about sex.

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