10 Things That Scare Me As A New Yorker In Los Angeles

Entourage: Season 5
Entourage: Season 5

1. The 405

I am fortunate to live on the east side and therefore it is relatively easy to avoid this thoroughfare which is spoken about under hushed voices and only used, I’ve gathered, by those who must enjoy similar activities such as self flagellation.

2. The Prevalence of Matcha

Does anyone actually know what this is? It’s like asking someone to explain malt powder. Try it. If I’m drinking a powdered beverage it will be hot chocolate or Tang, depending on the time of day. Until they figure out how to powder alcohol.

3. Sushi in Strip Malls

I’d rather not eat raw fish while sandwiched between a laundry mat and Aladdin’s Bail Bonds. Fuck me, right?

4. Celebrities

Once you begin saving lives (in real life), I will gladly join others in stepping aside so that you may be seated before us at Café Gratitude.

5. Café Gratitude

If I need to say “I am Serene” before eating food, I’d rather starve. Also, cashew nacho cheese is not a thing. And it scares me.

6. The Abundance of Hybrid Donut and Chinese Food Shops.

Milk and cookies, peanut butter and jelly, lomein and a donut. So natural.

7. Complete Disregard For The Fundamental Rules of How To Dress Appropriately for a Certain Climate, Adhered To By The Entire Rest of the World

If you’re wearing shorts and a tank top while standing next to someone in a winter hat, jacket (with or without fur) and boots, it is time that you two look at each other and reevaluate your purpose. Go to New York and reset your baseline.

8. The Grove

“Trapped” doesn’t exactly convey the feelings of terror I have had to work through every time I have stepped into this outdoor Disney-like mall with piped-in music, fountain shows and zombified consumers all looking for their children.

9. The Inability To Age

I’ve never seen who appears to be over the age of 40. And that is terrifying.

10. Hiking

The urge, no- need to “hike” apparently afflicts most everyone in this city and, like lemmings, you can see a steady stream of “hikers” ascending and descending parks like Runyon or Griffith at any given time of day. You’re just walking up a semi-steep hill. Get over it. TC Mark

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