The thing was, it hurt.
It hurt so fucking bad. It was real, and raw, and contained. It was contained all within herself, because where else was she supposed to put it? All of the pain, the guilt, the shame that she felt was all internalized because it was wrong to be anything but ‘normal.’
Normal was what society expected you to be, and normal was what they were going to get.
She wasn’t a victim. No. She wasn’t going to let the pain destroy her. If anything, it made her stronger than ever. There’s a certain self-awareness that people learn when experiencing trauma, a realization that slowly takes hold of you. It’s transformative. It helps you bind yourself together even when it feels like everything else is falling apart.
Because, of course, there are times when it does all feel like it is falling apart.
It’s a sinkhole of darkness that sometimes feels impossible to crawl out of. You’re you, but you’re not you. You go through the day-to-day motions, but yet, there’s something missing completely. The trauma takes a hold of you and clamps its fucking ferocious claws onto you, and escaping back into reality is a lot like trying to get your foot out of a closed bear trap. You eventually struggle free, but you’re left with an open, searing wound that leaves a mark.
It leaves a mark, and that fucking bear trap keeps coming back. It keeps leaving marks.
But as it turns out, through the transformative self-realizations that occur through all the inevitable lows and the guilt and the shame and everything in-between, you end up learning something.
Sometimes, it’s okay to talk about it. It isn’t shameful to discuss what happened – it’s a big burden for one person to carry.
Of course, the whole ‘not being normal’ is a big part that you have to learn to be okay with once you do decide to start talking about it. You’re dysfunctional, and that’s okay. You don’t have a good relationship with your parents, and that’s okay. You have a lot of emotional baggage, and that’s okay. You have to work on healing, and thriving, and getting better. And that’s okay too.
You’re no longer a survivor. It’s time to start sharing. Because after all, if you internalize it forever, you’re causing yourself more trauma than you were initially dealt.