This time last year, I was getting out of an extremely toxic relationship. It was one of the most exhausting things I have ever experienced, and the impact it had on me after was one I didn’t realize would last so long.
When you’re in a toxic relationship, you don’t realize how much you really allowed the person to get away with. You cared so much about that person that nothing else mattered. All your standards were swept under the rug because they emotionally manipulated you into believing how they treated you was what you deserved.
I remember when the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower came out, and one of the lines that resonated with me was, “We accept the love we think deserve.”
The boy I was with in no way loved me, but because I had no self worth, I believed he was the best I would ever have. I settled for someone that emotionally drained me. I settled for a boy who didn’t care about me at all, who disrespected me, and never even wanted to be with me in the first place.
But that’s not what this is about.
About seven months ago, I met this really special guy who basically tore right through all my walls. I found myself opening up to him, and letting my guard down. I shared my opinion with him, and when he didn’t shut me down or invalidate me, it felt so refreshing.
And that’s a great thing. But I should have never let someone tear down my beliefs and values so much that when someone finally didn’t do that, it felt so abnormal to me.
But this guy continued to show me everything I had wanted in someone, and how before, I let all of that slide because I was so blinded by feelings.
I started being my true self around him, and it didn’t drive him away.
I spoke about my opinions freely and passionately, and we talked like adults.
I never felt like I couldn’t express myself or that I had to bite my tongue.
He held my hand wherever we went. He always kissed my forehead when we waited to cross the streets. He came an hour on the subway at 10 p.m. from Brooklyn to the Upper West Side just to make sure I was okay when I was feeling depressed.
These little things I never experienced before, had me falling head over heels for him. I didn’t know what a real relationship looked like until I was with him; until I cried in front of him, wore no makeup with pimples all over my face, and was my most vulnerable self with him.
When my previous relationship ended a year ago, I remember being so depressed and unhappy. Although the relationship wasn’t rainbows and butterflies, I had some really great times.
I remember telling myself most nights, “If you can be so happy with the wrong person, imagine how happy you’ll be with the right person.”
Here I am a year later, with the boy I love most, and the happiest I have ever been.
I never knew people could be miracles.