To The Boy Who Raped Me: This Is How I Will Remember You

To The Boy Who Raped Me,

This week it will be one year that you changed my life forever. One year since I laid silently, my body going into shock, and not being able to process what was happening. It took me so long to finally accept what had happened. Even now, one year later, I still find myself in shock when I say the words:

I was raped. 

The first time we talked, I remember we stayed up all night, telling each other everything about each other. I told you multiple times I did not want to have sex until I was in a serious relationship. You told me that you understood.

Clearly, you did not.

Keeping your virginity may not be the most popular thing in our culture, but it was sacred for me. I knew I wanted it to be with someone I trusted, and wouldn’t leave after they got what they wanted. I spent my whole life guarding myself from boys like you. And in an instant, you took that all away from me.

It’s been one year since that happened, and I wish I could tell you to your face what you did to me; how because of you, I became so scared that every guy I was friends with or romantic with, would do what you did to me. I constantly thought that this was my fault; I got myself into this situation, and it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t agree to go back to your house.

But I told you what was okay, and what I was comfortable with, and those words did not include sex. I can’t forget your selfish words when you were done, “I had to go with my heart.” You only knew me for a few days when you said this.

Somehow after all of this, I still wonder if you’re okay. I still hope that things got better for you. I have never ever been hurt more by anyone than I have by you, and for some reason, I want you to be okay. I don’t wish anything bad on you.

Losing you was the hardest thing I have ever been through. It should have been the easiest since you were the most toxic person I have ever had in my life.

I won’t ever forget the day I walked away. I gave you a hug, knowing it would be the last, got in my car, and cried to Hard Feelings by Lorde. I would listen to this song on repeat for the months to come because the lyrics were my words to you.

“lt was real for me, real for me. Now I’ll fake it every single day ’til I don’t need fantasy, ’til I feel you leave. But I still remember everything, how we’d drift buying groceries, how you’d dance for me. I’ll start letting go of little things ’til I’m so far away from you, far away from you.”

It’s been almost one year since you entered, (and shortly leave) my life. One year since we went grocery shopping where we filled the cart with ice cream and Oreos. One year since you took what I can never get back.

You may have been my first for everything, but you will not be remembered that way. You will be remembered as the boy who ruined my life, and I will do everything I can to protect the people around me from going after someone like you.

I don’t think I will ever hate you. I will always think about you when I see Orange Is The New Black, Naruto, and rainbow bagels, but I won’t ever forget the sadness and fear that I felt for so long because of what you did to me, and that is so much more powerful than all of the good memories.

I’d wish you the best, but you sure as hell don’t deserve it.