For weeks, I drowned myself in crowds at bars and friends’ homes. I was on the go 24/7, terrified of what would happen if I was left alone with my emotions for longer than a few hours. I could not face the reality that had become my life. My fiancé had left me two months ago, after spending the last nine months with my dream ring wrapped around my left ring finger and the four years prior to that holding his hand in mine.
My reality began to set in.
I looked at myself for what seemed like the first time in five years and felt ashamed. I felt shame that I refused to see the red flags, shame that I let it get as far as it did, and shame that I was left being laughed at in his driveway. It all seemed so cold and heartless, because it was.
It took two months for my brain to catch up with my heart and the world feels more out of control now than it ever has. I dedicated the last five years of my life to a man I thought I would raise a home and a family with. The fairytale story on Facebook crashed down faster than a boulder into the ocean, and I could barely catch my breath until now.
I have started to realize that ignoring the pain with crowds and smiles not only pushed off my healing further but made the healer harder to work through. I was more lost now than I originally anticipated because I refused to face my new reality.
Over the last couple weeks, I started to fill my brain with self-deceptions: You are unlovable, you are a doormat”, nobody would ever marry you, you ask for too much, you’re not worthy.
I sat down and wrote these all down on paper, then looked at myself in the mirror. Not just looked, but truly dug into my own self.
I was none of these things. So instead, I wrote down all the reasons below these self-deceptions that made them untrue. I wrote how strong I was for leaving toxic jobs, how much love I gave to my friends and family, how I knew I am capable of making an amazing wife to the right man one day, how worthy I was of receiving the respect and love I knew I offered.
I took sticky notes and stuck them all over my home with positive attributes about who I was, not only externally but internally as well. I wrote down all the actions I have done in the last week to help others and expressed that I am worthy of companionship and respect.
I have a long way to go. I find myself not trusting my instincts, terrified I am being lied to again and wondering will I ever be able to trust another man to hold me without pain.
If you were to ask me that just a week ago, I would have said no way. But I believe I will. I believe someone will accept this hurt I am creating into something beautiful and worthy. Our self-deceptions will destroy ourselves faster than anyone else ever could, and we must work daily to fight against that. The greatest battle after a love lost is not between you and your ex, but between you and your own self.
Life has not been fair, and it will never be fair. But now more than ever, I feel the love I have to offer is stronger, and I am more capable of giving it than I ever was.
To the next man I love, I cannot wait to give you my all. I love myself better each day, and with that, I know I will love you the best.