1. The ACTUAL soccer fan
We get it. You hate when the bars are flooded with fake soccer fans. It’s like the gym on January 7th. Or a Mumford and Sons concert when you knew all the words to Little Lion Man before it was cool. You know the stats, the odds, and the history. Your heart nearly broke when Jozy Altidore got carried off the field.
2. The girls who like the actual soccer fans
Since the chances of you meeting Olivier Giroud are slim (look him up and thank me later), finding a good-looking soccer fan with a man crush is the closest you’ll get. You dress up in your favorite “USA gear” or maybe even splurge on a soccer jersey just to get in the spirit, and you go to a World Cup party or a bar. You go for the camaraderie, the socializing, and the boys. FYI, the USA home jerseys are WHITE, ladies.
3. The Patriot
We see you, you filthy American. When Clint Dempsey scored the goal 34 seconds in, you started the “USA, USA, USA” chant, and you yelled it twice more after everyone else stopped. You’re the one with the American Flag draped over your shoulders, and no matter how many Bud Lights you throw back, that flag will never hit the ground. You think World Cup games should be official holidays off of work and sometimes you even treat them as such.
4. The Introverted (Hipster) Soccer Fan
This isn’t your first time watching soccer. You’ve watched it in your house or in the dive bar that’s only afloat because you and your friends spend all your money on craft beers. You like the World Cup but you would prefer to watch it alone in your living room. This is the first year you let your college buddies drag you out to the bars for the games. And you kinda like it. Except all the people. And all the yelling. And the beer selection totally sucks. And all the “fake soccer fans (see numbers 2 & 3).” So at halftime you pull an Irish exit and head back to your living room to watch the second half in peace.
5. The “Accidental” Fan
You usually go to the bar on Monday nights. And some Tuesdays. And sometimes Thursdays. And always the weekend nights. Okay, let’s be honest, you drink almost every night. So when the bar is extra packed and the TVs are showing the USA/Ghana World Cup game, you’re obviously going to get involved. And lucky for you, you got there early enough to snag a seat at the bar. You’re also a couple beers in already so you get pumped every time the “USA” chant starts. You generously give out high fives and make plans with the fans around you to watch the next game, in the same spots, with the same clothes, and the same drinks. Because you are a true fan and true fans know that the way to continue the USA winning streak is to not change a thing.