Break ups are hard. It’s a rough thing for everyone to go through. Most people who go through a significant break up, deal with it similar to a death, the loss of someone you love, who you thought you would have for the rest of your life. The father of your children, or the woman you were going to grow old with because you loved her, and because she will probably still be hot after kids. When a deep love like this comes to an end, the devastation can be catastrophic. However, there are some factors at play in a Lesbian break up that make it extra devastating…
1. Every Girl Already Has A Girlfriend!
When a girl breaks up with her girlfriend, she wonders, “Will I ever find love again?” If you ask her, the answer is probably “NO.” followed by approximately 257 tears. Sure, everyone feels like they will never find love again, but for a lesbian who craves monogamy, she looks out in the sparse sea of other lesbians, and finds that EVERYONE ALREADY HAS A GIRLFRIEND. See, lesbians are by nature, a nesting and monogamous people. We just want to find that special woman who we can settle down with, so that our cats can get along like sisters, and we can adopt endless amounts of starving Malawian babies on two social worker’s salaries. So when a baby-dyke puts all of her eggs in one basket (figuratively… but sometimes literally) and that basket dumps her eggs on the ground and stomps all over them with steel toed Doc Martin’s, everyone else’s happy committed relationships can be quite the setback in trying to find another girlfriend. Long story short: LESBIANS ARE ALL IN RELATIONSHIPS AND NEVER BREAK UP! Except for you. You are the only lonely lesbian.
2. Your Parents Wonder If You Are Really Gay…
When a girl comes out to her parents, it can go one of any thousands of ways. Many parents are incredibly open and accepting. They say, “That’s great, I just want you to be happy. But I also want grandkids…” Therein lies the rub. So every lesbian going through a break up now must deal with their parents asking, “Are you sure you want to stick with women? They seem so dramatic…” In their minds, they are probably thinking, “They don’t have sperm! You need sperm! I need my offspring to have offspring!” Ok, maybe your parents aren’t so scientific… or gross. But when a straight couple breaks up, unless they are a couple of drug addicts, they probably won’t get pressure from their parents to change their entire lifestyle. For a lesbian, a 100% gay-as-all-get-out dyke, the thought of being with a man is probably like the thought for a Straight person to commit their romantic lives to a bag of rice. So if you are devastated by love, and your parents keep saying things like “SPERM” (gross) it can make for a very confusing time.
3. You Can Never Listen To Tegan And Sara Again!
You and your ex probably blasted Tegan and Sara in your car as you drove down the freeway late at night and bonded over the fact that no one would ever understand the love you have for each other. Oh, Tegan. Oh, Sara. How you have infiltrated every young lesbian’s mind with your understanding lyrics about loving another woman. Which T and S song was you and your girlfriend’s song? ALL OF THEM! Great. Everything is perfect and wonderful! Oh wait, you broke up. What do you do when you go to the dyke bar to try and find a rebound, and all you hear is Tegan and Sara’s new album? “This was our song…” is not the best pick up line.
4. Um.. Do I Need To Buy A New Dildo
This is a major problem in almost every lesbian break up. The gray area on whether or not you are supposed to buy a new dildo for your new girl. I mean, you and your ex had such special memories with Sparkle Dick. The three of you loved each other. You can’t possibly use it on any other woman, it just wouldn’t be right. Ok, so you go down the sex shop to get another one. Holy shit, when did they get so expensive?!? Suddenly, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to use it again. You don’t have to call it Sparkle Dick… I mean, you ran it through the dishwasher, so really, it’s kind of new. And if you were a guy you wouldn’t have to buy a new penis for every girl you sleep with, so…
5. Which One Of Her “Best Friends” Has Made A Move On Her?
Lesbians. We love being friends with each other. And while a true genuine friendship between two lesbians is an actual thing, and can be wonderful, somewhere, in the back of at least one of their minds is the thought, “What would it be like to date?” And your ex has sooooooo many friends! Now it’s a race to see which one of her older sisters, younger sisters or bros is going to make a move first. You scour Facebook posts to try and piece it all together. And then you find it. The picture of your ex and her bff with their arms around each other, taking shots. That bitch. You always hated her! Well good luck! I know for a fact you are both bottoms, so have fun cuddling and listening to Sade all night.
6. You Are Out Of Practice
You used to have game…. Didn’t you? You specifically remember getting hot chicks to like you back in the day. You can do it again. You can go out on the prowl, put your sexiest hoodie on, and get hot ladies again. Look! There’s a cute lesbian over there. A little short, but has a cute sweater vest on, a really cute short pixie haircut, and she’s riding a bike… Oh My God. It’s a 12 year old boy with a Justin Bieber haircut. What the fuck! Did anyone see you checking out that kid? Could you go to jail for that? Meanwhile, while you are going through serious self-reflection, you miss an actual hot GIRL walk by and check you out. You don’t even see her. What is the matter with you?! Don’t you remember what women look like? (But in your defense, Biebs’ mug shot could have confused Suze Orman.
7. When Did Everyone Become So Toppy?
Remember the days when you were just coming out in college, and suddenly all the straight girls flocked to you because they wanted to try new things, and you were the non-threatening lesbian about campus? Straight girls who are “experimental” are like tourists wondering through Times Square. Get out of my way, sexual tourists, I live here! You were practically married for God’s sakes! You have a cat, and a job, and West Elm furniture! Now the thought of a bi-curious girl makes you chuckle and think about the good ol’ days. When you break up with your perfect sexual partner, and you go out to try and find one again, you discover we are all five years older, and we are all tops now! It’s hard to find a cute femme with that edgy soccer player vibe who will lay down for you. We all love banging chicks! We just forgot to remember that for us all to be able to bang chicks, someone has to get banged.
8. Your Ex Beat You To The Rebound
I mean, really. We all laugh over drinks at the Cubby Hole about that couple we know who are u-hauling. We make fun of them, and then think silently about how stupid it was to U-Haul with your last GF. Oh well, shit happens. But at least your recent ex isn’t dating anyone. So you have a few beers, and suddenly you feel strong enough to click on her Facebook page… Oh My God, how sad! She’s still listed as “in a relationship”. It’s been almost a month, and you take a sad pleasure in her not being totally over you… wait. WHAT THE FUCK. She’s actually in a relationship?! Like, a NEW relationship that’s not with you?! And then it dawns on you, YOU ARE THE PATHETIC EX. At least in straight breakups all you have to contend with is pictures of him getting drunk on game day and making out with his friend’s younger sister. But us, us nesting people, we have commitment to deal with. We fucking love commitment like it’s ice cream on a hot day. And your ex beat you to it. So you think, maybe I will just call her to get coffee, you know, see what’s up… Damn it, I’m definitely the pathetic one. Never mind.
9. Every Girl Is An Ex Of An Ex Of An Ex
God Damn it, lesbos, why must we all love relationships so much?! Even the Shane-iest of the Shanes end up with a hot girlfriend for a year or two. Sure, maybe they cheat on them, but the truth is, we all love that word “girlfriend” more than a sassy gay guy giving fashion advice. So what does this mean? Well, the lesbian world is much smaller than the straight world, so here in Dyketown USA, our options are limited. You finally get the courage to re-activate your OKCupid profile, and find a nice, attractive switch-looking girl to go on a date with. You go on the date, and OH MY GOD she’s perfect! You get along, you have so much in common: hahahahaha, oh my God, her ex snorted when she laughed too, hahahahaha, WAIT. What was her ex’s name? Well Fuck. You’re my ex’s ex. Great. All you can hear is your ex telling you that her last girlfriend was “kind of fat”. ARE THERE NO NEW LESBIANS IN THE WORLD? Must we all have had sex with each other? If you’re there God, please make more lesbians. I know you’ve been working on Kristen Stewart for a while now.
10. What About The Cats?!
Last but not least, we come down to the logistics. Yes, straight couples live together, and have to divide up their stuff. But lesbians, Oh My God, lesbians. WE LOVE OUR CATS SO MUCH. NEITHER ONE OF US COULD PART WITH HER! So, after hours of deliberation…have you ever tried sawing your cat in half? Seriously you guys, it’s a pretty big mess. And everyone loses. Especially the cat.
So the point is, if you know of a lesbian who is going through a break up, buy her a coffee, buy her a margarita, buy her some hard-core drugs, just help her. She’s having a hard time.