Weddings are constantly getting bigger and more extravagant thanks to the omnipowerful wedding-industrial complex. Friends of brides are also feeling the pressure, as bachelorette parties are no exception. Why would you celebrate with a boring night of drinks and dancing when you and your besties could run a half marathon or spend thousands to travel somewhere that no one wants to go?
Inspired by the rise of quirky and unique bachelorette parties, here are ten emails from maids of honor (and one matron) hoping to show off their event planning skills and let everyone know why they’ll be the ones up on the altar holding that bouquet.
1. Authentic Oregon Trail Sacejeweekend
Sarah’s wedding is going to be so rustic and unique in that old barn filled with Christmas lights. I heard she’s even serving the wine in mason jars! So I was thinking, what better theme for her bachelorette party than an outdoorsy, pioneer adventure? Let’s take a weekend, find a place that rents covered wagons (maybe like a Hollywood props agency or a Toyota dealership?) and get our Lewis & Clark on! I made a rezzie for us to do the 25 mile Goat Rocks Traverse. Don’t worry, the only real issues are loose shale and inadequate drinking water sources. Everyone will need to register for a Northwest Forest Pass, but if we sign up together we get a discount. Oh, also there is absolutely no phone or wireless service, so forget status updates, we’ll let everyone know how much fun we’re having with smoke signals. I’ve even planned a fun signature cocktail! You mix coffee grounds, well water and moonshine, strain it through a petticoat and then serve it in a tin can with long grass as a garnish. It’s called a Dysentery-tini!
2. Tool & Die Factory Tour
We’re busy and smart. We don’t have time for a whole weekend thing for Laurel’s bachelorette, and I don’t see why we can’t learn something (or why every bachelorette party has to be some sexy scavenger hunt.) After taking Charles Murray’s ‘Do You Live In A Bubble?’ quiz, I was inspired to spend more time on a factory floor. I found this machine parts factory that agreed to give us a tour after I told him we were looking for a new contract for 600,000 long neck grommets. Please maintain that I am the shower curtain queen of the Pacific Northwest. I asked the foreman about the possibility of making wedding rings while we’re there, but he got suspicious so I dropped it.
3. Sexy Scav-Hunt Thru Detroit
Normal bachelorette parties are the worst. Instead, we’re going balls to the wall and doing a super sexy destination scavenger hunt. Jenna’s getting married, but she’s not married yet, so she still has time to slut it up. Scavenger hunts are always making you kiss, grope, and flirt with all of the men around you (not that we need the encouragement, right, Monique? JK, love you). And I have the perfect place to do it: Detroit! Be prepared to do things like “take a super sexy pic with a stray dog,” “get BJ advice from a tranny hooker,” and “write your digits on the bathroom stall of a strip club.” Remember, post pics of EVERYTHING on Instagram with #BITCHELORETTEWKND. If you’re going to be lame, don’t come.
4. Plastic Island Mid-Pacific Gyre GIRLS TRIP!
Pack your grass skirts because we’re flying to HAWAII! After a three-hour layover, we’re hopping on a seaplane to the center of the Pacific to help clean up the plastic sludge hidden under the surface before it enters the food chain and we eat it in the tuna rolls at Amanda’s wedding. I’m sick of people donating to charity in lieu of wedding favors. I feel like, if you want to make a difference, get out there and do something! So I’ve signed us up to be volunteer Scripps research assistants for their project to assess the scope of damage to our planet’s oceans. We’ll be staying on a floating research station with scientists! I know we’d all love to see a thriving oceanic ecosystem, but unfortunately, this is an exceptionally barren part of the ocean and the water is mostly plastic there at this point. You don’t even need to bring a bathing suit, since we cannot, for any reason, enter the water (no midnight skinny dipping either). We will, however, be dissecting a ton of dead sea turtles. Sunscreen will be provided and is mandatory to prevent bridesmaid dress tan lines and melanoma.
5. Ocean’s 11 Style Jewel Heist
I know you’re first thought is going to be “I’m out,” but hear the whole plan and then decide. How crazy would it be if we could get Jenny and Bryan’s wedding rings in a Bachelorette Party Jewel Heist?! Jenny’s cousin works security at the mall and we used to hook up so he has to help us. Everybody gets a job and a jewel themed nickname. I just picked up a burner phone, so if you get a text from an unknown number signed “Sapphire,” you know that’s me getting things rolling. Also Jenny’s high school friends don’t really know her college friends and this could be a great chance for everyone to bond. For obvious reasons, not discussing a lot of the details upfront. Don’t get all judgy about this, we’re talking two rings, not the Hope Diamond. If you’re still on the fence, you can be the driver. Everybody needs to agree, JUST WEDDING RINGS, or else we’ll be celebrating the wedding from prison.
6. Sedona Spirituality Bachelorette Retreat
I’m humbled to present to you Amy’s bachelorette retreat in Sedona, Arizona. This will be a long weekend spent in harmony with Mother Gaia as she envelops us in her bosom. Amy needs to be metaphysically prepared as she embarks on the most sacred journey of her life. My light therapist highly recommends the Crossing Worlds Retreat for Rebirth. His Reiki massage got me through my divorce. I want to have my aura re-read since last time mine was muddied green, which my reader told me means I’m jealous and resentful and apparently “play the victim.” I’m hoping to be much closer to bright-emerald green this time. But this is about Amy. Did you know the hypothalamus can get all of the nutrition it needs from the sun? We’ll be doing a three day fast from food. After days of not eating and six hour silent sweat lodge sessions, Amy will finally achieve enlightenment on whether marriage is right for her. Namaste.
7. Bridesmaid Intervention
With Lauren’s wedding quickly approaching I know we’re all excited for the champagne toast to the new couple, though I think we’d all prefer we get to that point in the night without Jill throwing up on the flower girl and giving a handjob to an underage caterer in the bathroom. We’ve all been talking about this for a long time, too, so let’s just take advantage of everyone being in the same place for the weekend and turn Lauren’s bachelorette party into Jill’s intervention. In terms of outfits, wear something you don’t care about because we all know that Jill is prone to fighting and loves to tear things, especially if you surprise her (RIP Jane’s silk top from New Years). We all will have to write letters to Jill, so I’m going to use this as practice for my toast at the wedding. After she agrees to go to the treatment facility the rest of us can go get martinis at that new place on Fifth.
8. Open a Bakery
We’ve always talked about opening a bakery together, so why not do it to celebrate Julie getting married? I know the wedding is six months away, but we’ll need to get started now to get a handle on owning a business and how to actually bake. It would be great if we could get this up and running by June! Julie has already paid for a gorgeous wedding cake, but with this bakery, we could give her the ultimate surprise and bring one that we made just for her. I’ve already canceled her original cake, but keep that a secret, she doesn’t know yet! Anyway, Karen, you make great cupcakes (even though they are from a mix!). And Samantha, you got that business degree online a few years ago. Let’s just empty our 401Ks and do this!
9. Colonoscopy Party: Prep, Procedure and After-Brunch
Last month when Melissa had that cancer scare really got me thinking that we should be more proactive regarding our health. Sure, we have a handle on our careers and relationships, but what about on our digestion? Let’s get colonoscopies as a group. Think of all of the awareness we would raise doing this as a group of fabulous ladies who have no medical need to do this invasive procedure. We will make a weekend out of it and all hang out the night before. We can even drink the prep solution out of cute pink wine glasses with our names on them in Swarovski crystals. I’m not sure where we should do this – whose house has the most toilets? After we find out our intestines are as flawless as we are, we can have an outdoor brunch to celebrate our results and Susan’s wedding! Must have good health insurance and a doctors order.
Can you imagine what everyone will say when they hear we raced the Iditarod?! Meghan jokingly suggested we go to Alaska for her bachelorette party over margs last week. Well guess what, Meghan…it’s happening. The easiest way to organize teams is to just pair up. I’ll be with my fellow lacrosse co-captain Ashley. You’re the best, Ashley! I just realized, there are nine of us in total. If you haven’t been hitting SoulCycle five days a week since graduation, you’re on your own for training. I still do Crossfit twice a day with the lax guys we went to school with (did you know that Matt, Matt, and Ryan are recruiters?). In terms of party supplies, we’ll just split up the responsibilities. Lindsay, you’re in charge of getting those fun penis straws and a few pink feather boas. Kaitlin, can you go to REI and get the necessary gear for gale force winds and -100 degree whiteouts? Caitlyn, you’re in charge of reserving the teams of dogs. And no, I do not mean your golden retrievers! We’ll have 1,112 miles to prove we’ve still got it. And Meghan, if you lose we all get to wear whatever we want to your wedding (calling it now that I’m wearing a cute dress from Anthro).