There are innumerable reasons to hide everything you feel. While many extol the purposes, not many explain the methods. The brain, seeing good sense, is easily aligned in this endeavor. The body, however, is not a willing confederate. Follow these instructions to reign in the hairless monkey.
No matter how willing, the brain is a being of limited attention. Let us take the components of your person one by one, understanding that all are equally important to the façade.
- Tranquil brows: Are your caterpillar eyebrows trying to mate? Is the Botox doctor in the crowd trying to give you his number? These are bad signs – feelings show themselves in contractions and grooves. Maintain a forehead like a well-sucked candy.
- Even-tempered eyes: Loosen up that deep squint. Not only does it imply skepticism, it can also result in temporary blindness. Don’t take things too far in the other direction either – rims of white typically herald murder. Maintain a steady eyelid height, and remember to blink. Don’t worry about twinkles, dead-eye, or flashes of this or that; the balls won’t convey a thing if their wrappers stay relaxed. Use gorilla glue to block up tear ducts if you start leaking.
- Serene nose: Many feelings inspire breath, and some can even stop it. The goal is to breathe as though breath is the most natural thing in the world. Focus intensely. Monitor closely. Don’t let a flare slip through and ruin the sport. Once those nostril sales are open, no quick smile will undo the damage.
- Placid mouth: No downward twitches or lascivious grins for this orifice; the mouth must remain supple, as if the word “prune” was uttered softly. But the primary job of this face-gash is not to maintain a gentle bow, no, the mouth’s most important job is to make sure it never opens. Tone, word choice, and screaming inside your head will all be covered in the next lesson. Until then, best not to risk it. Get help from a friend if stiches are prudent. Remember, hunger is just another feeling.
- Mollified chin: At no time should the chin be jutting, tucking or turning the head away from the source of the feelings. Nor should it ever be dimpling, quivering, nodding or shaking. If in agreement, a single nod at an even pace will be sufficient to confirm consent. Any more than that and you risk looking over eager! Equally, beware the quick nod that conveys annoyance. No need to shake, once or at all. Never convey that you disagree – simply nod, and begin to plot.
- Save the brain from unnecessary strain, and take some elbows and other risky variables out of play. Wrap your body, from calloused feet to supple neck, in packing tape. Cover your mummified form with an attractive tartan blanket. Add pearls if female.
Perfect, ready for the show! You now have the tools necessary to hide your feelings from the world.