Thought Catalog

8 Things You Forgot About Being Single

  • 0
It finally happened: After months of contemplating every possible alternative to uttering those fateful words to your not-so-significant other, you’ve unlocked yourself from the death-grip of your dying relationship. Now that you stand on the precipice of The Beginning of the Rest of Your Life, here are a few things you may encounter upon your recent release back into the wild.

Your underwear is not pretty. OK, it is. But knowing that some other dude has seen you in your skivvies — those skivvies, to be exact — should be enough to make you want to go all Supermarket Sweep on the 3 for $30 table at Vicki’s Secret. Is this how much I paid for new panties the last time I was single? I guess this means I need new bras, too. I’ll take the $45 one with the lace and bows. Nothing says money well-spent like purchasing things whose only purpose in life is to end up on the floor.

You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. No, really. You absolutely, positively cannot stay here. Sure, it might be 3 a.m. when you finally unravel yourself from brand-new-boy’s embrace, but pulling an all-nighter with a man you’re casually seeing is tantamount to the terrifying toothbrush discovery or going stealth with a stash of tampons. No one — I mean no one – falls victim to the power of the snuggle faster than myself, but this is not your boyfriend. Pick up your new panties and Go. Home.

You need help. While most single people are preoccupied with the unzipping of things, there’s nothing like contorting yourself into a pretzel while attempting to zip up a dress to make you realize that although we may not need any help taking things off, we do need help putting things on. See also: Who will find you if you die?

You have friends. Remember those people you abandoned at the prospect of everlasting love? For reasons unbeknownst to you (other than real, actual love) they’re still there! And they’ve been anxiously awaiting your release from captivity. See also: Who will find you if you die.

You cannot spend every evening watching reruns of Parenthood in your PJs. It used to be completely acceptable to spend evening upon evening watching Mae Whitman leave behind her egg-salad days as Anne for the annoyingly rebellious Amber. But now that you’re single, it’s time to shelve the fuzzy flannel for your big-girl pants and make plans after work. If you can manage to stay awake past 9:30. Speaking of…

You’re old. During your time as a girlfriend, you spent approximately 84 percent of your social life contorting your face into disapproving expressions and snobbishly saying things like, “Oh, I’m in a relationship. I’m sooooo glad I don’t have to do that whole club scene anymore.” While you may never have been one to pass out in the VIP, somewhere between flirtation and the five-alarm fire that was your relationship, your youth went up in flames. It may have worked for Wooderson with high school girls, but there’s nothing like being newly single to remind you that you keep getting older while the rest of the world stays the same age.

You are completely uncool (or just horrendously neurotic). Being in a relationship means never having to second-guess yourself. You call each other at the same times every day, share the same inside jokes, say embarrassing things, have garlic breath together and get broccoli in your teeth. But this also means you slowly and unsuspectingly slide hand-in-hand into lameness until you forget what it’s like to be an actual functioning (read: polite, mannered, funny, not slovenly) member of society. Which brings me to…

You need to clean up. You actually have to think about what you’re going to wear now. You have to take a shower — Every. Day. (Ok, let’s be real here. That probably should’ve been happening anyway.) You have to make sure every inch of yourself is smoothed, toned, moisturized, polished, prepped and pampered at all times in the off chance you run into Ryan Gosling looking for a spunky blonde to make sure his abs are still in peak condition. I’m not saying I look like I fell out of Devendra Banhart’s beard or anything, but I’m not sure I was prepared for The Beginning of the Rest of My Life to require so much maintenance. Now, you are. TC mark

[div:credit]
image – atomicjeep
[/div:Credit]

Read This

More from Thought Catalog

Thought Catalog Videos


    • Annie_Chan5

      I either never forgot or never learned any of these in the first place.

    • Annie_Chan5

      I either never forgot or never learned any of these in the first place.

    • Annie_Chan5

      I either never forgot or never learned any of these in the first place.

    • Annie_Chan5

      I either never forgot or never learned any of these in the first place.

    • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

      I’m perpetually single but in the midst of pulling myself out of a funk (which is similar to dumping/being dumped). The old thing really applies. I’m finding that because I take the time to do grownup things like put clothing away and wash dishes, it’s time for bed and I’m tired!

      Also, the underwire in my favourite bra broke yesterday at work so I’m going to spend way too much money on underwear this weekend that no one is going to see.

    • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

      I’m perpetually single but in the midst of pulling myself out of a funk (which is similar to dumping/being dumped). The old thing really applies. I’m finding that because I take the time to do grownup things like put clothing away and wash dishes, it’s time for bed and I’m tired!

      Also, the underwire in my favourite bra broke yesterday at work so I’m going to spend way too much money on underwear this weekend that no one is going to see.

    • IntensivePurposes

      I ended a 9 month relationship a couple weeks ago.

      Yesterday I realized I hadn’t showered or shaved my legs, etc. since Saturday.

    • Emily F. Clouse

      I think my favorite part of being refreshingly single is NOT shaving my pubes. Ever again. Once you start scraping it all off for someone, you can’t go back to bushy…

      • a.

        Ew.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        Hint: don’t shave it all to begin with.

    • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

      All of this, but especially this: “No one — I mean no one – falls victim to the power of the snuggle faster than myself, but this is not your boyfriend. Pick up your new panties and Go. Home.” Yesssssss. Thanks.

    • http://entropicalia.wordpress.com Alison

      I have some dresses I just cannot wear now that I’m single and living alone. No pretzel contortions, no strange adapted wire hanger contraptions to pull where you can’t reach (and yes, that does work for some, don’t ask) can make it happen. It’s just impossible without someone to help. And honestly, not being able to get into those dresses when I want to makes me much more sad than being single or spending a night at home in front of the TV ever has.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        Is this a zipper issue or a size issue? ‘Cause surely you have at least one friend that can see your naked back and help you work through this…

        • http://entropicalia.wordpress.com Alison

          I have a handful of vintage-y dresses with various wonky zipper and delicate fabric issues. And I have no problem with friends seeing my back, but as I said I live alone, thus making another person to help not-so-curiously absent. But thanks for implication that I am both fat and prudish.

        • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

          The fact you took that to assume I was saying you were fat over the fact I was saying you should invite your friends to meet you at your house so they can help you zip up is quite interesting.

          Settle down, geez.

        • http://entropicalia.wordpress.com Alison

          I don’t think it’s particularly surprising that someone might take “size issue” to mean “do you fit in your clothes?”  I think my friends would consider me quite unhinged if I asked them to come to my neighborhood at 7 AM to help me get ready for work (see the author’s 6th point) which is the majority of the time I’m putting on dresses these days.

        • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

          A little clarification goes a long way, apparently. My bad for assuming you were getting dressed for going out instead of into the office, dear.

    • http://mrianmbelcurry.tumblr.com/ Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

      this is good.

    • http://mrianmbelcurry.tumblr.com/ Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

      this is good.

    • http://mrianmbelcurry.tumblr.com/ Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

      this is good.

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      Being in a relationship sounds really… restful. Huh, wonder what that’s like?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

      I’ve been getting filthy angry at people who tell me that being single “isn’t bad at all”. I’m sure there are people who function better alone than together, I can get that.

      But me? A guy who used to hop from relationship to relationship, girl to girl, fling to hook up to near fiance? A move to another country has left me desolate and empty for over a year now.

      And you know what? I miss having someone who wants to hear about my day. I miss waking up to a smile or a deep sob or something, anything that reminds you that your time is valuable enough to be spent. 

      A ton of shallow girls have accused me that I just miss sex. And while that is a part of it, sex is but a small tiny portion of what being single makes you miss. And all the things you’ve listed are things people will suggest, but here’s the thing – All the girls I’ve wanted to be with, all the girls I let in, all the girls who I felt myself falling for – they never cared if I had a killer opening line, a flashy smile, or an ironed shirt.

      They liked that insecure, slightly timid bullshitter who goes out and socializes for an hour only to return a mess of guilt and doubt. They liked the part of me that I lose a little of every day I spend single here.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        Really, three likes? Here I thought I was being a whiny bitch.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Ferrari/100001319787228 Jonathon Ferrari

          I was just going to let it slide…

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

          The problem is that what comes across online as “angry and passionate” just leaks through real life as “exhausted and depressed”.

          A little over a year ago I moved from California, land of neurotic narcissists, to “Keep calm and carry on” London. Here, people don’t obsess over their own happiness.

          And so suddenly I’ve had to learn most of the lessons in this article – or what men may more widely call “game”, “confidence”, or “presenting a completely falsified version of yourself to get laid”.

          The tortured artist schtick just doesn’t translate to the United Kingdom. 

        • Vickstahs

          Seriously… Maybe the reason you’re single is because you’re so mad…

        • Vickstahs

          Seriously… Maybe the reason you’re single is because you’re so mad…

        • Nicole

          Or a total babe.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

          Aww, thanks! That brought a big sloppy grin to my sleep-deprived state. Random acts of kindness never  really go out of style, do they?

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=511929890 Nicole Mullins

          Never. You’re welcome.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=511929890 Nicole Mullins

          Never. You’re welcome.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=511929890 Nicole Mullins

          Never. You’re welcome.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=511929890 Nicole Mullins

          Never. You’re welcome.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=511929890 Nicole Mullins

          Never. You’re welcome.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=511929890 Nicole Mullins

          Never. You’re welcome.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        Really, three likes? Here I thought I was being a whiny bitch.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        Really, three likes? Here I thought I was being a whiny bitch.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        Really, three likes? Here I thought I was being a whiny bitch.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        Really, three likes? Here I thought I was being a whiny bitch.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        Really, three likes? Here I thought I was being a whiny bitch.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        Really, three likes? Here I thought I was being a whiny bitch.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        Really, three likes? Here I thought I was being a whiny bitch.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        Really, three likes? Here I thought I was being a whiny bitch.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        Really, three likes? Here I thought I was being a whiny bitch.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        Really, three likes? Here I thought I was being a whiny bitch.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        Really, three likes? Here I thought I was being a whiny bitch.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        Really, three likes? Here I thought I was being a whiny bitch.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        Really, three likes? Here I thought I was being a whiny bitch.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VYDVROKY4PUBOKUHB3QF42FH2Y Paul S

      With the proliferation of all these “list” blogs,
      Thought Catalog is turning into an emo, un-funny Cracked.
       

      • http://hotfemmeinthecity.wordpress.com/ natasia

        I actually like the list format. I think TV and the internet has destroyed my attention span. 

    • Katzenjammmer

      ugh

    • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

      I have been single the last 15 months after 5 years of perpetual relationships, all of these things are definitely things I had to learn..  

    • coffeeandinternets

      Generally true overall…but as far as underwear goes, I would say I care more about impressing my boyfriend than impressing a hookup.  It’s partially because I don’t care if I’m being judged, particularly by someone who I probably won’t see again.  But also — have you ever known a dude you picked up at a bar to leave a guaranteed sexy-time? More often than not, and barring any serious underwear issues (I’d give an example but it would probably be….unpalatable), potential one-night stands are there to stay.  I mean until you have sex, at least.  After that they will probably leave.

      Also — I would say you’re buying the wrong lacey bow panties if you think their only purpose is to be on the floor.  Embrace the “function and fashion” ethos and get yourself something whose purpose is to be on your ladyparts instead.  My drawer is filled with frills, and no pair is particularly special occassion because comfort is for ANY OCCASSION AM I RIGHT.  I don’t know you, but I feel like you’re worth it~

    • http://twitter.com/niceflying Emma

      Devendra Banhart is a bit of a babe. When I fall out of his beard, can I please then fall back into it?

    • Anonymous
    • Ham

      life’s short, huh.

    • Ham

      life’s short, huh.

    • Ham

      life’s short, huh.

    • Ham

      life’s short, huh.

    blog comments powered by Disqus