Thought Catalog

My Letter To Cosmopolitan Magazine

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I recently purchased a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine. Normally I don’t buy Cosmo, but the May 2012 edition was “The Sex Issue” (really straying from the norm) and I thought it would help spice things up with my longtime boyfriend.

To no surprise, I was disgusted and offended by their sex tips. Particularly this one:

Try placing a donut on your man’s shaft. Then go down on him while slowly devouring the tasty treat. 

I was so upset after reading this that I wrote a letter to the editor… AND THEY RESPONDED!!! 

First, my letter:

Dear Cosmo,

I was very disappointed in the May 2012 “Sex Issue” of your magazine. I felt that your sex tips were exclusionary to people like me and my boyfriend. People with food allergies.

The tip I found most upsetting was “Try placing a donut on your man’s shaft. Then go down on him while slowly devouring the tasty treat.” You see, Cosmo, I have Celiac’s Disease, which means I can’t eat wheat flour, the #1 ingredient in donuts. It’s tragic to think of all the ways this negatively impacts my sex life. Not only will I never be able to eat a donut off my man’s member, but bagels are out too. Same goes for pretzels or hot dog buns. What about cheerios, you ask? No way, I’m allergic.

It gets worse. My man is lactose intolerant. That means we also can’t follow your advice about covering my breasts in whipped cream and rubbing them on his face. Please help those of us with food allergies. You’ve ignored our needs long enough. 

Love,?
Gluten Free Girl & Lactose Intolerant Lad

Now, Cosmo’s response:

Dear Gluten Free Girl and Lactose Intolerant Lad,

We apologize that you felt marginalized by the sex-tips included in our May 2012 issue. To amend for our oversight we offer some alternatives below:

1)    Try covering your body in his favorite Dairy-Free, Gluten-Free food and wait for him naked in your bed. Turn your bed of love into a bed of lettuce or a bed of potatoes.
2)   Try wrapping cold cuts on his johnson. Then, turn up the heat by going down on him. Tear the meat off his member while also satiating his sausage.

Love,?
Cosmopolian Magazine.

Well, this was clearly an outrage. So I wrote a final letter:

Dear Cosmo,

Thanks for your timely response.  Unfortunately, it didn’t help at all. That’s right, I’m a vegetarian. I won’t be turning my boyfriend’s sausage into a meat-stick anytime soon. Thanks for trying, I guess. 

Love,
?Gluten Free Girl

PS: Your magazine is really heteronormative.

I’m still waiting to hear back. TC mark

image – This one is Bob.

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    • Guest

      this is just straight up amazing.

    • hannah

      hey, youre funny, but your tumblr link doesnt work! :'(

      • SAM

        take away the www. and it should work :)

    • http://www.jeremymeyers.com/ Jeremy Meyers

      They actually suggested donuts? Who writes this crap, seventh graders?

    • ot

      I read this and honestly thought it was a joke, satirizing political correctness. I kept reading expecting some sort of clean wrap up to the joke but now i honestly dont know if you’re being genuine or not

      • kis

        This has to be satire. Come on, the girl wrote about thinking about placing Cheerios around her boyfriends penis. That’s sarcastic as hell. You can’t even fit a pinky inside of a Cheerio.

    • http://twitter.com/Amandemic Amandemic

      HILARIOUS. Well done – Cosmo is the worst.

    • Anonymous

      All I can think when they make these asinine suggestions is OH MY GOD YEAST INFECTION! Sugary foods should NOT be near vaginas! I swear to God, their sex tips are written by kids in jr high who have never seen or touched genitals…especially their own.

    • Sweetpea9852

      LMAO your hilarious…and p.s. fuck Cosmo. 

    • Js149

      haha a bed of potatoes? They couldn’t think of anything sexier than potatoes or lettuce? 

    • leah

      i wasn’t with you till ‘p.s. your magazine is really heteronormative.’

      cosmo is gross.

    • Emily

      Wait, wait, wait, I just need to know: please tell me this is real? Please?

      • Rosiemccapp

         This is absolutely real.  They had this same exact tip in an issue I read almost ten years ago.  Not only is Cosmo’s material garbage, but now they can’t even think up original stuff to put in it.

    • Anonymous

      LOL FOREVER.

    • Margaret Thatcher

      A solution to the heteronormativity problem:
      Long johns. They’re ribbed for her pleasure, and also double-headed!

    • Guest

      I found my 16 year old stepsister reading Cosmo the other day and almost vomited.

    • Guest

      who has the time for donuts during fellatio? sucking dick is a passionate art that requires both focus and finesse, a donut would only stand to imepe the process, and actually be pretty unpleasant/gross for both parties involved. who would really want to eat and give a bj at the same time? silly ass Cosmo, your sex tips have no real world application.

    • Danaynay

      I don’t like Cosmo at all, but I feel like they were taking a jab at your ridiculousness by advising a sexy bed of lettuce or potatoes. Hahahaha good for them

    • guest

      this is literally the funniest thing ever.

    • http://robvincent.net Rob T Firefly

      Johnson…?

    • http://artfeedsmia.blogspot.com/ mia nguyen

      I think I shed tears from laughing so hard.

    • alice

      ahahaha. the fact that they suggested donuts on penises in the first place… donut dicks. lawd.

    • Renee Campbell

      those cheeky bastards.

      but really tho, cosmo is wack as heck. EVERY SINGLE ISSUE “how to tone your butt! 39 sex tricks that will make your man’s dick turn on fire! how to handle the office bitch with aplomb!” <<basic.

    • http://twitter.com/thesungjong Josh

      Anyone who still takes time to write outraged letters (regardless of triviality) is worthy of respect 

    • anonymouse

      Bill Maher said it best, showing a Cosmo cover with “100 Sex Tips” on the cover.

      ONe hundred sex tips?” he said. “There’s only one sex tip. It’s called a blow job.

    • http://www.wherehopelives.blogspot.com/ Shreya

      Can’t.stop.laughing! LOVED it!

    • Rosiemccapp

      Ahahahahahahahaha omg, this is so recycled sex advice!  I remember reading the same exact tip almost ten years ago, siding with your thoughts exactly.  I also loved the one where they said to take a straw and blow on your man’s nipples – yeah like that would work.  But I think the real question is this – are there men out there who’s penises are so small they can fit through a donut hole?  That is a very scary thought.  But also, keep in mind that these sex tips are written by women, for women, with no consultation from men.  If it were the reverse, the Sex issue would have 3 tips – give more head, get on top, and do it doggy style with your panties around your knees.  

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