8 Killer Things You Can Wear As A Scarf

1. Sausages: Because you’re not a vegetarian and they bring out the colour of your eyes.

2. Pencils: Nothing says ‘I’m keeping your neck cosy’ like graphite and splinters. Wear your scarf like a pageant sash loaded with ammunition to give off a military-esque vibe and declare a coup d’etat on conventional scarf etiquette. Hazar!

3. A Guillotine: Are you floating aimlessly through life? Do you often find yourself day dreaming, listening to Bon Iver and taking things for granted? Being constantly reminded that you could die at any moment enhances decision-making and improves career choices. Have your arteries squeezed by the sharp blades of reality today!

4. Jugs: With all of those hilarious ‘jugular’ type jokes that you thought of on the car ride over, you and your new ceramic neck-friend will be the star of the party. You do, regretfully, become the centre of a new drinking game by which you must drink whatever substance party-goers choose to deposit in your jugs. And yes, the art of urinating knows not gravity. Drink. Savour. Swallow. You weren’t invited to a dastardly wine tasting party, were you?

5. Politicians: Are you too popular? Do friends, strangers and animals have so much admiration for you that you vomit into napkins sometimes? If you answered ‘YES’ then this scarf is the one for you. Never will you ever have to buy or intentionally wear a tie again. Or watch the news. This scarf comes in various sizes from Ann Widdecombe to John Major.

6. A pack of 50 self-adhesive googley eyes: For those of you who have always wanted to see the world from a different perspective or simply see more of the world… now you can! Simply attach the eyes to your neck skin to gain instant super vision. This eye-catching scarf is not only warm and cosy during those sleepy winter afternoons but it also has a 100% success rate in staring competitions and word searches.

7. Toxic trash: This fashion trend started after various members of the wildlife scene tried to work the ‘Plastic Bag — I’m Trapped’ look after the Slick of ’85. Nowadays, it’s only the seagulls that really pull off the plastic beer ring necklaces — but this winter’s look-books seem to be spilling over with juice carton cardigans and banana peel berets. Don’t forget to finish off your look with a splash of anxiety and distress.

8. Milk: Let that shit get everywhere. Got milk? Yeah I have. And I’m not so conservative that I want to imprison this delightful drink to the realms of my upper lip either. Milk mustaches are for fools. Just like when dogs started wearing flip-flops, the semi-skimmed scarf is pushing fashion boundaries to the limits and is raising a lot of questions within the existentialist community. TC Mark

image – Firepile

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