I used to be able to walk away from men so easily once I realized they were toxic waste in my life. I knew who I was and what I deserved so the first sign of any dysfunction, without any hesitation, I wouldn’t walk, but I would run as fast as I could away. I always trusted my gut and decided that fiddling in toxic waste would hold me back from what was really meant for me and that I was someone who deserved to be loved the right way to match the love I give out.
So I became my own best friend and I wouldn’t keep anyone around who would tarnish my being. Back then, I would never think of selling myself short by settling for someone who didn’t treat me better than I treated myself. I never questioned myself on the decisions I made for my overall well-being because I trusted that I wanted what was best for me in the end. The old me would have hated the girl I am today because now, I stay.
I stay with toxic men. I have come to the conclusion that the average toxic man is someone who is drawn to a woman like me and after all this time and hard work of trusting my gut and leaving, for some reason, I stay. I guess you can say after leaving so many times, I have left with one too many heart breaks and I have lost my power to leave people. I have left men and watched them become better men for the next woman in their lives and I guess I’ve gotten sick over the fact that they couldn’t be better for me.
I was sick of being the woman who made a man better for the next woman based on my decision to leave that man.
I have become oblivious over the years when experiencing so many unpleasant men that I’ve been hardened to accept them as they are in my life rather than kicking them to the curb where they actually belong. I have become a woman who settles, who lives to fix the toxic men in her life instead of getting rid of them. I am no longer affected by these kinds of men in a way other women or my old self would be.
Knowing the pain I have felt from walking away from men who I knew deep down weren’t good for me, but who I was still madly in love with, has stopped me from trusting my decision-making capabilities altogether.
Would I rather walk away from the man I love knowing he’s toxic for me and end up watching him in another woman’s arms or stay with him and try to fix him as I nestle in the toxic mess I would be creating for myself?
I guess I started to believe the pain of staying and trying to fix a man beat the pain of leaving and losing that person all together. I became a woman who thought she could fix every man who needed work, without realizing the one who does all the work doesn’t always get the credit and by deciding to stay instead of doing whats best and leaving, she gets left.
What’s so horrible about leaving? Isn’t it better to leave than be left? The problem that came with leaving was that it was my choice. My choice to lose the person I’m in love with, to lose him and if I lose him, I don’t really lose him at all like I thought I would lose him. Once you leave someone, their life after you leave them becomes your new addiction.
He may not be in my life anymore, but I’ll still carry his smile in my vision everyday and the thought of him giving that grin to someone else will haunt me as days, months or even years go on. It would be my choice for him to move on and give better of himself to another woman who wouldn’t know the pain I did because of him. I am incapable of forgetting that it was my choice and I won’t stop caring where life has taken him without me. I will lose his presence, but I will never lose my feelings for him and I know from experience that I will carry around another world inside of me that wonders where he is and that is something I can’t bear to live with over and over again. I can’t keep building different worlds inside of me with the men I’ve loved & lost. I can’t add him or anyone else to that list of regret. I’ve left men before. You ask me why I have such trouble with leaving people after being so strong about leaving people before? I can’t add another human being to the list of people my mind wants to check up on.
I can’t handle another person added to the list of ‘what if’s.’ I’ve had enough regrets; I’ve been there and I can’t take wondering anymore. If I walk away from anyone it’ll only add to my curiosity and the different worlds inside of me that I carry around with me. I can’t bear to lose someone again physically and emotionally but still carry him around with me everyday while he may be with someone else, knowing I’m the one who tossed him away; even if he deserved to be tossed away.
That is why I don’t leave people. I care too much about keeping the people I love around, rather than letting them realize they could have done better for me and make the choice to be better for someone else. Be better for me. If I choose to be with you, I want you, and only you, but I want you to realize what you have and want to be better for me because of it. That is why I never leave.