I was laying on an unfamiliar bed thinking of you.
I started thinking about this moment where I am now. I’m laying here staring out the window and I can’t remember your scent or what your touch felt like.
I don’t remember the calmness of your voice after a stressful day. The way my hands felt so tiny inside of yours. I used to trace your hands and admire them. I can’t remember how they felt. I can’t remember the last time I embraced them as mine.
Kissing you used to feel like taking in fresh hopeful air. Air that was everlasting and filled with endless love. I forget the softness of your lips, the matching of both of ours combined. I can’t remember the last time they fit.
Our last kiss at the airport was so fast and meaningless. I knew we were already so far gone.
The distance between us came way before any amount of miles. It was in the way you made me feel. I could touch you, but you weren’t there. You weren’t mine anymore.
I felt nothing the last time our lips embraced. No spark, no butterflies, no security, no love. I knew it would be the last time. The feeling of you leaving was starting to be more familiar than the one I used to know.
The one I used to know suffocated me with love. I felt fearless and untouchable.
But that went away. The feeling of you being mine.
I lost it. The second you walked away toward your terminal, it floated away in the stale Oakland air. Lost in the universe like our love had been months before.
I’ve forgotten my favorite parts of you, the parts of your hands that ran up and down my back, tickling me until I fell asleep. Peacefully and effortlessly. That feeling of security when I was out trying to make something of myself. Or when I felt like giving up but knowing that no matter how hard I failed, your support was right behind me ready to lift me up.
I forget what that feels like.
I don’t remember what it felt like to love you.
I don’t remember what it feels like to be fully immersed in another person. Fully embracing the love and admiration and growing together as one. Believing in one another, believing in our love. Believing in the future.
We lost that feeling of being whole together. That fiercely unstoppable stability among the turbulence of life.
Ultimately being together made us feel less whole than being apart.