15 Struggles You’ll Only Know If You’re An Adopted Asian

1. Being asked what it’s like to be adopted.

Umm what’s it like to be a dumbass? And how could I even begin to answer such a senseless question anyway?

2. General ignorance.

Like when I’m getting my nails done at the salon and the nail technicians automatically assume I speak whatever language they’re speaking.

I’M ADOPTED. Yet it happens every time. The real kicker is that they know me; I’ve been going there for 10 years.

3. When the 8-year-old boy I babysit asks me to help him with his math homework.

Is it because of that time I took an zero-credit, online math prep summer course to get into my program? I’m not good at math, and so what; not every Asian is good at math. Usually, the boys I babysit do my college math homework for me. That’s not to say I’m not smart; I come up with smart ways to get away with being awful at math all the time. Counts for something, right?

4. Being asked if I find Asian men attractive.

What kind of question is that, really?

5. Confusion surrounding my skin color.

No, I have not been tanning recently, nor have I recently been somewhere hot. My skin just looks like this because, well, I was born with it.

6. Having to hear, “Oh my God, Alinn, you tan so fast” and “I bet you don’t have to wear sunscreen because you never burn!”

Well, I don’t burn because I wear sunscreen AND I don’t lie out on a beach towel for lengthy periods of time. I’d rather not look like a crinkly prune when I get older. Working my way up to MILF status, thanks.

7. Others assuming I can whip up some authentic Asian cuisine at the drop of a hat.

I can, but first I’d have to find the recipe foodnetwork.com. Like everyone else.

8. Having to hear, “You’re totally a banana! You’re Asian on the outside but white on the inside!”

Hey, only I decide what type of food I am. Plus, that’s kind of racist…but maybe I’m a reversed Oreo, better known as a Golden Chocolate Creme Oreo. OR MAYBE I’M JUST AN ASIAN AMERICAN. Idiots. All ya’ll.

9. Hearing, “Wow, your family is like the United Nations.”

Okay — so what — all three kids are adopted, but we were also all born in Lowell, MA. How does that make us the United Nations? Anyway, I’m a mutt; I’m not even sure what I am. But more importantly: why is everyone so annoyingly thoughtless?

10. Having to deflect questions about interracial babies just because I’m in an interracial relationship.

Um, what do I think our kids would look like? I would assume half of me and half of Trevor.

11. Being asked, “Alinn! Can you do my nails?”

No, but I can do mine.

Actually…yes, I can. That’ll be 20 bucks.

12. Or just that age-old question, “What are you?”

I am human.

Sometimes, if they’re more wary, they’ll ask, “Where are you from?” Well it just so happens I’m from a uterus. And no, my parents didn’t have to fly somewhere to get me. News flash: not all Asians are born in Asia!

13. Being asked, “Do you want to meet your real mother?”

Well, she’s actually in the other room. Would YOU like to meet her? Oh, I’m sorry, do you mean my biological mother? No.

14. Another favorite question: “So why did your mother give you up for adoption?”

Obviously so I could find you and answer all your asinine questions.

15. And finally, being told that I’m “so lucky to have been adopted.”

Mmmk, I’m not a charity case, but I guess so?

And there you have it. People I’m surrounded by are constantly asking questions that make me want to rip my hair out. I guess that’s what happens when you’re an adopted Asian.