How I Created My Own Closure
By Alicia Pun
Dear N,
I’ve decided to write this letter to you to create closure for myself, I need closure and I need it NOW.
Remember a year ago, we were still sitting in the same lecture hall? I was a teenage girl who is recovering from depression, anxiety. I was somebody who had so much insecurities, trust issues and hatred. I built up so many walls with thorns, so much so nobody could ever enter the little world of mine.
Funny, things kind of’ changed when I met you.
I remember the first time I met you, we exchanged numbers and you said “This sounds so cheesy, but can I have your number?” That dorky and cute moment was one that I’ll never forget. Also, do you remember the time when we celebrated your birthday? You were so touched that you hugged me for so long; you were so sincere back then. I don’t think I’d be able to forget that.
N, do you know why I fell so hard for you? (Of course firstly I think you’re pretty cute). On the serious note, you made me feel love.
After meeting you, I felt like I am able to receive love and I am able to love again. You appreciate me, compliment me, accepted me and you do not judge me. You have a heart of gold and you are truly a Man of God. When I am with you, I let my barriers down. When I am with you, I do not fear, for I know that you will protect me and I know you will stand by me. For the longest of time, I felt security. I felt love. And for the longest of time, I stopped crying.
I remembered distinctly you denied that you’ve had a girlfriend. I asked thrice, for which you denied all three times. Do you know how broken I was when I knew about your relationship with her?! How horrible it felt to uncover this relationship from your girlfriend herself?! My heart felt like it was stabbed a trillion times, rolled and mowed by a truck, then finally shredded in a bloody paper shredder. Because of my pride, I refused to show it to you.
Thinking back, perhaps you were just being nice to a depressed classmate who which, you are forced to work with in class. Perhaps you didn’t want to make enemies. But back then, I kept asking myself “Was it because I opened up with sad past? That’s why you were scared away from me?” and “I should not have opened up to him” etc. There are so many questions, so many what-ifs, and so many I-shouldn’t-haves.
My dear, as much as I still miss you, I’ve moved on. I’ve learnt to love myself and I’ve learnt to put myself as priority. I’ve learnt I myself have to be happy first as others can only make me happier. I still miss you but I do not want your sympathy.
I’m ever thankful that you’re a part of my life and I wish you all the best.
Till then,
A-Girl-Who-Has-Finally-Decided-to-Move-On.