6 Reasons Why My New Cellphone Is Better Than A New Boyfriend

My first time was scary. I was unsure if this was what I really wanted, my heart said yes but my head said no. All of my girlfriends barely had experience with it, so I knew when I did it they would expect me to report to them.  I look up, and he asks me, “Are you sure?” I reply, “I think I’m ready.” Next thing I know the deed is done. I walk out, and cannot stop smiling.

Get your heads out of the gutters guys; I’m talking about switching to the Samsung Galaxy s4. I was hesitant about switching from the iPhone, but it was the best choice I could have made for myself. Now this is no promotional post for the phone (maybe after I get more experience in, I have only had it for several days) but having this top of the line product opened up my eyes to something: I think my cell phone is literally better than having a boyfriend. In fact he (Samsung) is my new boyfriend. Yeah I know, I know there are some glitches with that theory that come to mind when you first hear it but let me explain myself.

Her
Her

1. He does what I say:

Unlike those pesky “real life” boyfriends Samsung actually does what I say, when I say it. Hell, that in itself is enough to sell me! No more saying, “hey babe…would you mind doing blah blah blah…” and having your boyfriend do, well, the opposite. This is not only frustrating but a vicious cycle. I find myself going from asking in a calm relaxed manner to forcing my voice to go about 12 octaves higher just so he will get off his lazy ass and do what I say! With Samsung, all I have to do is touch the voice control and bam; he does what I want when I want it.

2. He doesn’t make me feel like a basic bitch:

Sick of hearing your boyfriends say, “My ex used to do this/my ex used to say that/my ex is a crazy bitch…” Okay, I GET IT. You’ve had a million girlfriends and you want them to all seem like crazy plain Jane types of chicks. Well what does that make me? Just another number most likely, another notch in your belt or whatever. Samsung fills this void in my life simply by existing in my hands. Every girl in the world has an iPhone, and its awesome hearing “what kind of phone is that, its awesome “. Yes, it’s new, different and totally me.

3. We look good together:

I’m sorry, I mean great together. He is impressive in size and shape (this is more than I can say for most of my ex boyfriends.) Yeah, some bitches might say he’s a little big but they are probably just jealous. To each is own, right? Besides, who could resist his sleek sexy screen? Also, with “real life” boyfriends they never listen to what you say in terms of what they should wear when you go out. But Samsung doesn’t just let me buy his clothes for him but choose which event he will wear them to! FINALLY someone is listening to my innate fashion sense. It’s raining and you want to wear shorts? You are an idiot. With Samsung I just slip on the protective case and bam! Argument over.

4. I know just the right buttons to push:

There might be nothing worse than a stupid guy that you are dating treat you look absolute shit (causing you to be a psycho bitch) and when you do flip out, they seem unamused. Uhm, HELLO, I am not only clapping and yelling in your face, but threatening your very existence and you are telling ME to calm down?! Get mad, argue back, anything! No problem here with Samsung though. I know just the right buttons to push when I want him to fall asleep, to shut the hell up for a second, even when I want him to be playful. With Samsung you will never find yourself looking for a reaction again! You know what to expect (genius).

5. We are committed:

When I signed my soul on the dotted line on that wonderful day I knew what I was getting myself into. Usually most girls can’t say the same about the guys they decide to commit to.  You take a chance, feel the rush. Well here is a little secret: that ‘rush’ is actually stupidity and you should really look into it. Samsung loves me, and even better I know the only one that is dumping anyone in this relationship is me. If I decide I want him gone earlier than my contract because he is really driving me up the walls then fine. It’s going to be worth the $100 to never see his no good face ever again.

6. I don’t chase em, I replace em HAAAAN:

No but seriously, I replace em. You can’t technically do that with a living-breathing boyfriend. You can try, but there is no guarantee. And lets face it, us females are all about sure things. You have a low down good for nothin’ lying cheating SOB man in your life and finally dump his ass, then what? Honey, you aren’t replacing shit, in fact the closest you’ll get will be going to the club and wake up the next morning having even less respect for yourself than you did in the first place. However, with Samsung if I even get a little fed up with his antics I can simply walk into the place we met (icing on the cake) and literally replace him, with any phone in the whole store. And oh yeah, there is nothing he can do about it. TC mark

Related

More From Thought Catalog